Identity Crisis....

Am i facing a identity crisis....?


i am wondering and pondering this kinda daes ...am i facing a identity crisis? I dunnoe...Something just doesn't seem right but i can't put to my mind to what is exactly wrong..It has been so long since i last saw Xt...Ya, tho no doubt, i never really mentioned her anymore, but i know she still lives in my heart..I thought at least i could just put her aside when i am totally occupied in my stuffs...till that very dae, my dad actually asked abt Xt. "Aye, where is my god daughter whom he so affectionately called coz my parents like her so much"...I started to have flash back images again of her and me back then..those happy moments could only be displayed in my mind...I could only cooked up excuses saying that she was busy with her game of competition..What else could i really say?


Lenard, another one who make me feel so confused at times, or rather i shouldn't say confused...I shall say he made me felt so touched but i noe there is just something in me that disallow myself to go along with it..Be it age, and other factors, i am seriously thinking was it just bcoz i am not totally cleared away of my status as a crooked....Perhaps it was...caouse Xt had never left me in my heart...I had never really mentioned her eversince we broke up but still occasionally here and there i will be reminded of her and our happy moments...Was it this hanging emotions that disallow so many things from happening...Perhaps it was...I dunnoe how long this emotions gona last...but i noe it be for quite a certain period of time before i will be totally sure of what i want and what i am looking and seeking for in life...Is Xt still really the one i wana back to my life...or do i just want to start afresh and try looking at things in a different light be it of Lenard or any one else...Or further worse, those care actions and affected emotions displayed to Jv was it also a sign that of a re-bounced? I seriously didn't know...Who could i consult..Who could i ask? What am i? Who am i now? What do i really want? I felt so lost suddenly especially this few daes...feel so emotionally upset and affected but what brings about it?


I saw her blog and realise she still had me in her mind, in her heart..she still want me back in her life...but both of us knowing the fact that things will still remain the same, probz will still exist no matter what.Don't we seem like 2 fateful but separated birds as destiny jsut doesn't allow it, doesn't allow us to be just together living it out happily...


Life is just so short...How much exactly can we waste...Y can't we live it happily...If i didn't see her blog perhaps i will not feel upset..y say you are waiting for Lynn...Sometimes i wondered have you actually fallen for her already without even knowing it tho i am still in your heart...i dunnoe how i should feel towards you..I wish very much too i could be in your hugs one fine day again...but itzit possible with all those problems taken away? Am i narcissitic..Perhaps i am bcoz of my commitments...We both have very individual commitments that neither of us are willing or can give it up...That is the fatal root probz of our life..We can't commit much to one another bcoz of this and this probz will definately still occur...Is it true? Am i right?

Dear, i miss you...in my heart yes...i no longer displayed my longing for you on my face anymore...I couldn't bear to look or think about you...It only reminds me of our happy past...The 1st ever 1 yr relationship that i gave so much towards..Perhaps, it is hard to fill up with others anoymore...But i din realise that..at least i noe you are the only one who was able to make such a huge change in me...from a butch to a active and to a so called femme when ii'm with you...With that, i appreciate and thank you...Miss ya always in a place in my heart..


" If ever one dae there is a person to replace me in you heart, i will be happy for you.. for your life but upset as i noe by then, you would have really move on without me in your life...If that person was Lynn...perhaps i'll be even upset but i noe right to the end, it is still your choice and freedom of right to decide who and what you want..In a corner of a place here...I wish you eternal happiness always...


Your Love Always,

Roujun...