Ferinace

My despondent mood yet agn..

2006-09-01T02:57:00.000+08:00

My despondent mood yet agn few daes in a straight row..Just wad is happening...

When ppl started saying that im a thinker at times, i've no choice but to admit otherwise..Im really a thinker..Just wad iszit with me that made me think so much..i ponder at times..Todae at work my mood was normal ...everything seem just fine..theres no fitstart at all for me...everybody was just like toking abt wad has happened the past few daes..Discussion went on and as i look on wf my buddy Ah beng..we decided there and den it was real tiring working here..Alot of things was concluded after so mani happenings..Rin wasnt feeling too good to dae after ranting out at her buddy, ah beng wasnt feeling too good bcoz of work and tiredness..i wasnt feeling too good bcoz of work, friends and mood....Seriously doesnt noe y..fren came to look for me and hence shopping with them for awhile b4 heading back club to see a person (member) that has so called bcum my frend in the turn of event..

Yea..Yea..Toking abt this person..Hmm..she gave me a very farni and different feel..i doesnt noe y but the feel of it was just good..She seems to make a good fren..i took her fitstart , i tried opening up to her, workout with her todae..with me being in a un-even mood..with rin leaving 1st breaking her promise onli to find myself upset..i guess at times, im just too regimental..inflexible...but i just hate the feel of a promise being broken...~de~well..aniwae carry on to vent my wadever fustration out on workout whacking all the machines with my newfound fren..She was with me accompanying me ..can u imagine we went for sauna together after which we went for supper..We tok alot but everything b/w us seem to have some reservations still..i wonder and thought to myself..Hmm..is my past instinct coming back?i dunnoe..i jus had a good feel when im with her..toking to her..i can seem to relate to her..BUt i dunnoe wad she is..but frm the look of itshe seems as tho shes a G4..i wonder...she keeps me in suspense..

Yes Onion, i will unravelled u 1 fine dae...till this dae comes, i will continue to peel it shred by shred with tender care...Trust me on that..I dunoe whether im doing the right thing but at least im happy doing it this wae and im not gona care so much abt it animre..

Yes...Thats abt it...im tired but ive still lots and tons on my mind...*thinkles, thinkles, thinkles*...:p

Love,
ace

There is really a difference...

2006-08-30T00:52:00.000+08:00

Is our friendship and sisterhood really gona fade off this wae bcoz of the time constraints in each and eveyone of us....

There is really a differrence now in all sisters of us...we seem to have drifted apart..and seriously i dun feel good in me..Dunnoe y...i just felt wasted, upset..whn everybody have each of their own job, everybody started drifting apart..did we all make an effort to at least mit up? All our schedules are so tight...and the sis that matter most to me was alicia..Frm me noeing her the 1st till now..we seem to have drifted vr far apart..she no longer call and chat with me..she no longer msg nor reply to my msg animre...she doesnt share alot of her things wf me animre..we seem to have ease alot of communications...which are just so important and essential to our friendship too..

i treasure alicia, gene alot..but seeing the moment i got this career of mine, everybody oso getting a job on hand le..we seem to have no time for one another..tho itz understandable bcoz of job, this is bound to happen, but i cnt help but feel so compressed and suppressed in me..im actually in fact so afraid of losing them..Esp b/w me and alicia...I kenw her for so long, went thru so much wf her..i realli hope i will still be as that wel with her be it yrs down the road..ami able to do that? i dunnoe...i cnt figure it out..

ami thinking toom uch int othings? i dunnoe ...things that i thought always tentatively tend to happen..and i hate that kinda feel..am i really thinking too much? iF we are really good and close frens, we will still be no matter how long we never contact...den y am i still afraid...i dunnoe myself oso...

Recently at work , rin kip telling me abt alot of things and things that i might haven even discover myself frm...ni wonder, and i ponder..i noe wad shes trying to sae and i noe she feel how i felt..But alot of other things in my life, is others really able to understand?whn will my Mr/Mrs Right come?Wad am i or shld i go for?Whn will i find myself?

sometimes i feel that i think and ponder for too long ..and im in fact tired..i wana leave things that wae it is..am i rite to do that? Or shld i do that? i really wonder y and how...

Whn i start writing, all the more i realise i dunnoe wad to write ...How the thoughts jsut seem to stuck in my head....maybe if u use a knife open up my skull...all the answers shld be dere..But now at thsi pt of time, i shall eas eden...

For i aldy dinoe wad i myself am trying to write animre le...But one thing for sure...i misses "her" alot...How i wish and hope our hood and bond will alwasy goes on and on...Take care ya ah b,,,No matter whr u are, i will be dere if not silently at a corner supporting u always ..... u will never be forgotton and whenever u are in need, i will sur ebe dere for ya...always....

Am i always a supporter onli? I guess i am...i just want some ppl to be happy ....Take cre b, i love and will teng u always...:)

Whn feelings seem just so extremely in u...ita justso hard to pull everthing out from ur thoughts and heart..Just wad am i a person, y wldnt i understand myself and noe just wad an identity am i ...I hope to find and unravelled this soon...Hugs...my dear b, do take care and ya, always be dere for ya...:)

Humans are really selective in wad dey wan and the wae dey feel..

2006-04-23T13:24:00.000+08:00

I felt like a ball being kick ard at whim..isznt tt so?

Yet some ppl jsut dun see it that wae or mayb dun even feel it and just think that y am i kicking up a big fuss..Am i?

Has she ever thought of how i felt? Shes alwasy lidat and im alwasy condoning all this..Yet she dun appreciate and see it at all..The spilting hurt that she always sent thru me.."To9 u go home dun come my place la, if not wait i cnt 1 Nite leh"..i ask so u doent want me to be aat ur pl not in future too..She sae Ya...Imagine my hurt..she just said out and ive to beared all this hurt..coz ive been staying at my this great buddy place every weekend n Yest Nite she act told me that...

So Tell me, how shld i feel, think and react? SOmetimes i just felt tired..shes not a kid animre, she noes wad she herself is doin even if it is wrong..N i cn tsae anitng..Im nobody aniwae..in no position to sae..

Morever she doent like that too..Maybe it is tie i shld really steer away..? Y????Y????Y?????Y?????Ahahahahah

Nana

I hope u be strong...

2006-03-30T14:51:00.000+08:00

It has been so long since i last wrote ..Thru many paths, ups & downs we have been thru 2gether..i cross my heart n tell u here no matter wads gona happen now or future, u will 4ever be my that gd a sis n i'll be standing dere by u no matter which destination u decide upon..We cldnt cntrol destiny but we could cntrol our own fate..I promise u no matter hw huge a battle u gona fight n face, u will never be alone..i will always be here supporting u thruout! But always promise to stand on the top of the hill n have a clearer view of the world..ur perspective will definately be much wider..We chance upon noeing one another and i treasure this friendship & sisterhood that we both share..I hope u do too...

"4ever on my mind, onli one thought always came across..i wana see u 4ever happy, e alwiz ever lively, bubbly aLiCia that would laugh wif no qualms as if e whole world is hers..:) Remain happy & beautiful always! Stay jovial but pls dun 4get me k? Keke..My dear ger, u r dere, jus that little 1st step.." :)

U can do it...Hugs

Nana

Maybe that's Life...

2006-02-06T02:40:00.000+08:00

It is just so unfathomable...Certainity, i guess ...i'm just not her best "sis, fren, buddy"? I wonder did she ever taken me as her sis...So upsetting perhaps sensitive yes i am...seeing her put her and her best sis nana pictures in her friendster...But for me, my name was just indicated on it..and not as her wadever...haiz...life is just such..

Came to see ans realise so much things for this 1 week + that shes not around ...Im just too engrossed into all this...

2dae i just returned her her house keys...acomplished my mission to look after her house, attend to her tenant, top up her fridge..sometimes i dun even noe y am i doin all this for..Perhaps am just being used to it le..Last time, is always the sweetest...she wld always say so nice, i got tis fantastic sis who wld go to all the trouble frm her house to my house just to deliver food to me..but now everything just seem so normal and right to be that way kind of stuff...I also dunnoe y is it this way...does u noe it? Guess i really need some enlightement..

C'mon, who could provide me with answers...:(

So happy that b is finally bck frm KL..So long since i last saw her..so on sat i stay ovr at ehr place till todae..every minute spent was so worth treasuring..I think im the only one who will be feeling this wae..coz i treasure every bit of this best sis of mine..I might be hers..bt shes definately my best sis...

Knowing her in my life has never been better then anything else..Shes the one..my beloved best sis...:) Always learn to protect urself..i wnt lie to u...it is to ur own good...Im still waitng for tt dear "always laughing happily' alicia b to come back yet again...:)

Some things are just meant to be this way...

2006-01-19T01:49:00.000+08:00

What exactly that lead to this today...

For so long i've been pondering, am i comparing or are you really no longer the same? You are still like b4 never liking to say nor voce things out...The us now are so not as close as b4..Dun tell me you cant sense anithing at all..Y is this so? Actually i dun even noe it myself but it jst seem to happen...

I've been thinking it thru and thru what exactly hapn..thinking over all those things that we did together in the past..How happy we were...You were right to say that frens passes thru every indivudual life as a short phase..perhaps this was really so for your thinking...I kip thiking bck abt our past coz it was just so memorable and i was so much happier..Perhaps i really regarded you more impt then u ..Perhaps to you, im just a passing phase in your life..

I once told you that everybody was looking at us with eyes suspicion, we are so close so fast so sudden..can our friendship really last?I told you i'm actually afraid that this 1 dae will come that we will no longer be as close and our friendship will eventually fade off...and i told you i'm afriad to see that...At that time, you told me, oyu was afraid too..at least back den, i knew ...you really care abt our friendship...

And now i really felt the time seems to come..our friendship seems to fade off not as close as b4..and im clueless..are we just not that strong? Are you really oblivous and totally cnt feel that now we doesnt seem to have much to tok abt? I dunnoe...

It is just this feel..i never wana give up on us..and alot of times, alot of things takes 2 hands to clap..2 person to work it out..I saw it in you in the past...But no longer..perhaps you are alreadi too engrossed in other things and ppl to realise that..If you arer really happi this wae, i wish you all the best..Aniwae wadever i do frm the past till now is all for you..if only you see it..

I felt so tired..sister you are to me...but have you seriously regarded me as..Im sensitive ya..but i believe theres always a reason y i will be sensitive and dere is some truth in it if noti wldnt feel it that wae..i really hope one dae you wld rem everything that you once said to me and regain wad you oonce are..my dear sis..the one that i knew, caring and tho not sensitive but at least i can feel it...the person i once knew..

I miss those daes...i really do...

BB?

i'm Sorry..

2006-01-10T01:20:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry if ive said or done anithing to hurt you or make it seem so nan ting and make you feel uncomfortable..Perhaps to you i always seem to write all this lengthly "bo liao" things but to me, it is actually the only way i could make myself vent out wadever that i have in me so long..

I'm really sorry and i hope our friendship is strong enuff to withstand all this storm..I always only wish and want the best for you..anf nthing else..Tho i might be blunt at times..but ive never meant you any harm..Hope you understand that..

B, I'm sorry...

Nana BB

The real true facts abt "Truth & Dare"....

2006-01-09T02:56:00.000+08:00

The fact abt truth & dare is always that heartless & unfeeling...

Y would i put it this wae..Today..9th Jan 06..Me, ah B, andrew & fanny played the truth & dare in ah B house..Asked abt alot of qns..Perhaps alot of qs i aldy knew it in me bt i just din want to face it..Andrew asked alot of qns to ah b jus so to mk me uderstand that my worries are just unfounded...

Yes, disappointed was the word to describe just how i felt towards every ans that she gave..Tho i din expect any returns from her..But still, it hurts to know it frm her that i didnt nid to do anithing at all..Y a i being so worried abt her life and stuff when in fact she could take care of herself..Y should i want to bother myself so much..B, if u ever know that and understand me well enuff, u will know it is not an excuse to use use you as me not being able to focus on my work..If u knew me well enuff, u will know that i just care for you too much..Everytime you mentioned that who who is so good to you n you are that very touched, i seriously felt happy for u ..coz i know at least you really does have alot of ppl caring for you...less me or not doesnt really matter much..Im not a very expressive person hence alot of times i would not be very open and let u noe that actually alot of things does matters to me..Sometimes i do wonder and thought, do u appreciate everything tt ive done for you?Perhaps bcoz i cnt feel it ...thats y i felt i seem just so extra at times..am i being too sensitive or you are not sensitive enuff to how i felt?i does wonder at times..So wad if im feeling upset and disappointed...ou will never know the reason y..for one dae tt i nv sae u will nv no..

If life is ever that perfect, dere wldnt be any human beings ard...If there are human beings ad, deres bound to have emotional factor attached with it..Jus how much u see me as, i dunnoe...I ill nv ask for ani returns frm u no matter hw much tt i did to treat u cz i always believe in giving my all and everything to my frens..least to sae u are my sis..i will definately teng you more den anione else..But do u see it or do u think it is just nothing to you? Yes, everything that i do is all out of my own willingness and y wld i do all tis is all bcoz i wana see u being happy...But at times, have you ever thought wen im unhappy?Hve you come to realise that at times im happy...You cnt seem to be able to sense that if i din sae much...How i wish you be alil sensitive at times...

It is hard to find best sis in this life for it is just do ard to find 2 gam key person...So i really hope you treasure me as a indivudual and not kip thinking that wadever that i do is just an excuse to escape things..No, im not..If not that im worried for your well being, i wld not have bothered..Y wld i have bothered bcoz you are my dearest sis...You never thought of that b4 i guess..

Accomodating your everything ive done that as the best as a sis could do..did u ever do anithing that i would so touched..Yes in fact just once, your valuable testimonial..the onli thing i appreciate so much..it is bcz of tis tt i deem u as a valuable sis tt i cld kip 4ever..n i believe that you are...

Down to the very bottom fact, i would still sae, yu are my vr beloved sis, and nothing otheres said could changed the fact unless you are the one who change..To me everything in this life is predestined...un u think so...I oe our sisterhood dun just end here..I hope it will cont 4ever as long as we live...

To You My Beloved sis, nthg too great in the world that we couldnt overcome and i hope our friendship will not be affected just bcoz of a game...I hope you dearly understand that no matter how insensitive you are...I wish you well and best always..

i am not happy ..Y...

2005-12-27T14:16:00.000+08:00

I am not asking for any expectations...but yet i dun feel appreciated..

More of the times i dun wana ask for any returns nor xpectations..i just want to feel appreciated for evrything..but i dun feel any..most of the time granted..is that the case? At least that's wad i felt..

i dun feel happy at all today..i can't handle my own thoughts ... You can totally push away all that i've said and move on to something else so easily w/o considering at all how i actually fely..& here i am worrying for your everything...Sometimes i just felt, is it just so wrong for me to voice out anithing? I dun need any returns back from you..but at least show some appreciation..I only felt as if when you need me, u will look for me if not i will not be needed and you will turn to others..It is very upsetting on me..I du feel good u noe..i nv ask anithing frm u b4 except for your happiness and stand by you always..but i hope you give me just a little bit of respect as a sis lor..It really upsets me alot lor..

For the whole of today, i have been msging you not bcuz i want to make myself seem irritating but bcuz i care and bother abt your stuff and everything..asking you did u go wrk 2dae, worrying you doesnt have enuff time for your test ..but i din rx any reply at all...any one refute frm u was "Now i call u aldy wad"...Dun u realise my mood dere and den...it cuts..is it that difficult to reply to just a msg rather den see me msging u and "fan" u abt the same qns..and in the end, itz thru WOM that i realise you are actually at home and and definatelty wil haev sufficent time to go to the doc..I/m not trying to rule or minitor ur life..You are my sis that i care for that is y i wld bother to this extent...I just hope you understand..

You will nv noe and understand wen im angry..coz you will not sense that im actually unhappy..i just felt as long u need me, i'll be dere..nthg else..HOw i felt & react does it bother u? Or u chose to ignore it?All this words am i suppose to tell u?yes, i intended to msg u...but in the end, i withdraw..all bcuz i always chose to kip everything in me..that is y u nv seem to noe anithing ...but that doesnt mean it nv exist..have you ever bother to try to find out y am i unhappy at times ? or try to put in mre effort to understand me better? sometimes i wonder...wad am i exactly to u..

For so many time, i wanna ask, i doesnt have the guts to..i have nv heard it frm your mouth at all...Wadever it is, wad cld i do...I am not your anibody..im just someone behind the closet behind supporting u no matter wad you do..perhaps i dun even hold a candle to james ur di....Alot of times, i just kept quiet coz i respected you and doesnt want to refute anithing that u said ..and y am i feeling tis wae in me , u will ask..coz i shld understand u better den ani1 else..Yes, i do...u just jump a hair i will noe wad you are thingking...it is precisely bcuz of tis that i understand you too well..that i noe for me, i will nv see the appreciation or words cuming frm your mouth...tho i noe you do appreciate, bt everything, i just have to sense it myself...

B, i really hope you treasure me as ur sis...Thks...

Na

Seems so lost...?

2005-12-21T11:21:00.000+08:00

Dunnoe y do i feel so lost...just so lost...

What am i exactly losing? Or am i really losing anything? Or was i too sensitive towards things around me? Perhaps i really am and that's y i'm becoming so despondent..So down...Wad exactly iszit, that kinda feel so strong that is able to devour the whole of my self.. Am i still that important and significant to her? I dunnoe...I do everything for her, over the extent of myself, and yet i continue doing it ..coz i do it w/o qualms for her...But sometimes im wondering is she hiding anything else ...Mayb a invisible expectation has set in..which i shld really should put it aside.. Is it so wrong to tell him that it is me who paid for your bills? Wad is dere to hide from him? IT made me feel that im someone in the closet.."A friend whr gt so gd help me pay bill?"...Aren't we aldy as close as sisters? Wad is dere to "ji jiao" den...

Sometimes i do wonder...if just one dae..im no longer around...wad would u feel...as a passing phase? i dunnoe.. I realli think alot..but wad to do? Im indeed a thinker...Afraid of ur this and that..afraid of you feeling unhappy, afraid of you getting lonely..afraid of u going hungry, afraid of u feeling bored and tons & tons of stuffs that you cld think of..& all that i need of i guess was just appreciation n concern frm u...Hmm, but i rarely felt it...tho i've never and learn not to expect anithing from it outta u.. How i wonder why does humans have so much thoughts in us...4ever thinking and tinking never ending...& wen everyone gets happily attached, im feeling the loneliness yet agn..yes, agn? yup..for years...this feeling has never gone away...When will my love come?

"Life is only that wonderful when you knows how to live it the way you want & not what others control it to be..In my life, i do alot of everything for others but never for myself..Am i really indeed happy..I'm still searching my self ...my true self who will depicts a different side of me..What am i exactly like? Loneliness are not just by words but actions as well..No one understands...tho i very much wish that she show her understanding and concern more to me tho i noe that's not in her character..So wad else could i expect..."

"The sea breeze will be the only thing 4ever accpying me thru this life w/o abandoning me... What i held on are just sea waters that will flow away fast one dae when the tide are high...I have an intriuging sharp pain that just slit thru in me..making it a scar 4ever in my life..." I've long regarded you as my godsis and i really hope to keep you as one..Sometimes i wonder how she realli felt.."sisters"? jus doesnt fit in place..A godsister i wld kip her as..for the 2 meaning are actually very different..if shes willing..i hope she does..i have been waiting dunnoe till when...it is so easy to take james as brro..iszit that diffcult for us?

Yes, so i'm waiting..for my godsister to be back and i believe that would be my greatest moment when that day comes if she commits..My little "wish" for the coming New Year.. When will it come true? thru the times that i noe her, the only thing that i really got from her personally was a ring bot by her on my bdae and nthg else..to remember her by...& i've never ask for much just her little happiness, her little smile and the ppl "Leoy" that wld bring a big smile on her...Wish for her to be happy happy..BB, be happy k?

Nana

Y am i feeling this way...?

2005-12-07T11:35:00.000+08:00

Feeling the sense of loneliness suddenly..Y is this so?

Y am i feeling this way always nearing festive seasons and big occasions? Aren't i suppose to tok abt my KL trip? Mayb i shld touch on that topic 1st...

KL / Bentong Kampong Trip (The me & BB over at KL)

Wad should i say abt it ..?The fever dies off already? Actually not really yet..This entire trip to Bentong Kampong could be said as my happiest trip in this year...So long never go tour liao..This trip my Ah B ask me go with her, i really appreciate it alot..It make me realise so much more things of Malaysia, of my Ah B, of her home, her family, her relatives, her closeness with them, her friends, her driving skills and her knowledge of things...

I am indeed really so very the impressed with her...Her wad? her everthing..i think if i'm gona write it would be an essay men...Buy well, nvm, i have the time aniwae..

Fri nite me n Ah B set off and it was raining heavily..we rented a 1.6L Lancer and drove in ard 11+ till 3+ den we rch...B skill of driving and knoweldge on the road was amazing good and stable..I have nthg to comment on that men..A very stable and fast reflex driver..I love sitting in the car she drove men cz she drove fast car and i love fast cars...FOr a lasy who have this amzing factor to be able to make me sae "Gao Lat" must really be a fantastic person..Haha aiyo..i kip praising her, think her eyelid now sure jump till siao den she wil fly up the sky bang her head and fall dwn agn! whahha Really a KL driver..and i really seldom see gers like her who drove like nobody business..hahahaha and shes my BB somemore! So fortunate cn! whahaaha

Haha..wow...can u imagine the car could onli go to 170Km if not we would have hit even higher men.."i finally call her a fighter (Hua MuLan) upon goin up to Genting".. Hehe She mk me feel as tho we are playing Daytona wor...So exciting can..Damm Shiok..So u jus imagine lo..how fast n steady pong pi pi the car travelling w/o air-com up to genting ..haha ..I WOuld really love to go bck for another trip wf BB if chance & time allows men...I haven went for my Hot Spring & Water Fall yet wor..Think tis trip i really felt im bck to being a small ger so amazed and ezcited by evrything..BB fortunate to see all tis coz nt alot of ppl saw this side of me wor..for im always displaying those egoistic air ard me..whahahha

I thouroughly njoyed the whole entire trip..This trip mk both our heart so much lighter..coz we threw all troubles and worries behind in Singapore and njoyed ourself wildly over there..that was y i told ah B..."B, money never a probz, tho im nt a big banker, bt i can be a middle banker, substiantially enuff for you to njoy urself.." I just want u to njoy the trip and not think abt money matters and be happy k...Hehe :D And indeed we njoyed ourself tho time was barely enuff..Thruout, she intro so mani of her relatives to me, you can see on her face that she is just so happy, seeing her family, seeing her frens...everything just brighten her up, her whole face looks so radiant tho shes just so tired...Perhaps the only thing that i couldnt share the load wf her will be i cnt drive 1/2 for her w/o me havig a license..BB, dun owrry, i will quickly go pass so nx tm i cn share the load wf u le k?BUt malaysia road i nt "shou" wor..wahahha

This is the face that i wana see in u B...U noe tt? tis is the happiness that im deriving at..that i hope you will find..4ever happiness..How happy u was wen we are back in ur kampong..Ur smile brightens everything...tho i cldnt really understand Canto bt seeing u so happily indulging in it mks me happy tooo...Rem my verse? U nid not own sme1 but see that person being happy is the best that could be derived within you...You aldy displayed those small little ger of happiness on ur face and it is jus so "an wei" to see you tis wae...I wish you will ever ramian tt wae..4ever tt happy...

Wen i see the happiness light up on ur face..I felt happy for you...this is really u...my Ah lan lan BB..the cheeky, smirkish, kid side of ah lan...the 4ever small small ah lan...you are the one "A Gao lat fighter" Definately a gd fighter...Love Ya to the max!!! Wahahahaha :D My best BB men...everything gd and power u have it! :p So happy can me being dere..her being dere..cum back stil so happy ! alot of things to write tt i dunnoe whr to write...impossibe to write everything down but alot of little little things we noe it in us..the happiness is just different being in Spore...Really different...Even i write oso so happy le..hee Can u sense the happiness in me too? The other side of me..the curious side of me..the kidish side of me..Hehehe :p

IT is really a nice and fufilling trip all in all...Will njoy it even if we have mre time ya...Haiz..aniwae..BB, i promise u n i promise to do it..the nx big trip will be to "Japan" k? Small trip same la go KL or wherever nearer, den i be medium banker..Hahahha, Big trip mz wait till our probation over den we go k? *Twist fingers le hor* We sure able to go one...*Twist* N n n &&& i will mk sure i go learn Canto le this tm round arbo so lugi dun understand at all..Diao~ Hahaha

Thoughts of the loneliness sets in...(Another side of me back in Sg)

Sometimes every now and den esp now wen the feeling gets stronger...i dunnoe hw to explain..i felt a sense of loneliness..Wld anibody be able to understand?Would anibody noe hw i felt?Even if BB noes how i felt and and think i guess she wnt be able to do much..hai...y am i feeling so lost everytime, every yr during festive seasons and occasions, i jus have to feel tis wae..Is it really due to bcoz ive always helped ppl get together, helping ppl share their load of probz..feeling happy for dem...but am really afraid to think for myself..coz wenever i think of myself, it wld onli be a pathetic lot...I've closed my barriers for so long...so long..dun think it be opened tt soon...coz i dinoe wad to expect for myself animre..as long closed ones ard me are happy...i guess i be happy...My sis...are happy, dey find happiness esp BB...i will be happy n glad..was it really the case..i guess it had to be..

I guess life is such ba...You just want the best for your loved ones and im just this kind of person..U be guai k b? Ani big or small probz , anithing that you need me, always rem..jus drop me amsg, give me a call and i will always be dere for you....no matter how far, how hard, i do my vr best to and ensure you, you nv be left alone even if the whole world throws u away coz i'll be dere...That's me, my assurance towards u as ur BB, u never be left alone k? *Sayang sayang ..pat pat ur head*

Well..well...There is always time like this that i will face this...so it shld be kinda common le..so i shalldnt think abt it animre men..concentrate mre on making money coz onli single life will enable me to do that..Whahaha so wad am i waiting for? Re-organise mt thoughts..get my butts going and start focusing !!!

BBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbBBBBBBBBBBbb, i still love and njoyed the Daytona in Genting!! I'm still thinking of it men..Hehe..:) Wen shall we go agn??? I think the onli time that we are both most relaxed will be dere...totally not thinking abt anithing else...We have to go bck dere agn k?Cos i haven "fan ben" at casino yet!! Hehehe BAck to work le now..Haiz...Sianz..everything troubling me came back..everytime u see me like maciam no worries but actually my mind is on alot of things just that i dun show it out..Do u noe it?Haiz..Perhaps u dun ba...Bt i am ...at times ..just so at times....

"B, alot of things in life is as such..we cnt control alot of things but we can control our own life, our own fate, our own happiness, it all lies within our grasp just a matter of how we go abt doing it ...in wad wae we choose to face our life with..No matter hard, we noe tis is the path we have chosen, we will stick by it..That's just humans..Ovr there at ya kampong, that is the happiness that i wana see in you...the small little happiness displayed on ya face..The wae you exclaimed at things..the wae you smile and laugh..evry single motion are all happiness derived within you..Only wen you found those feel in you den you will really find the happiness that you hanker and waited for so long...It all derives within you urself..Only when you have attained that, den you will realise and feel it in you wad is real happiness all abt..All within ur own grasp ur own power...Coz u are a real life "Gao LAt Fighter" always remember that...."

"Only by den will u learn and know what's real life happiness all abt that derived within yourself..."

Nana BB

I'm disappointed...

2005-12-01T14:23:00.000+08:00

So disappointing...

Disappointed...disappointed that my b actually said "i dun understand her at all" ..At that spilt moment of time, i felt utterly disappointed...upset that she is wad she said to me...

You said you are strong...You wnt be beaten easily...Ask and search urself...are u really that strong? You always present a strong front to ppl..but are u really that strong...I doubt so...Face urself..face ur heart..you are not that strong afterall..

I dunnoe...U touched urself..did i really not understand u...?Perhaps if this is wad u sae...Seeing you faced with tons of problems, it broke my heart too..i wish i have all the ability to help you with anithing that you need...I hope to give you a leaning support too..I guess that's the only little thing that i could give u...

I really hope i could share your everthing and your burden with you..I dun want to see you so upset so unhappy..it really hurts me too..I cnt bear to see you this wae..Brace up up b..dun fall...even if dunid any suppport, i will still 4ever be there supporting you always..I promise and assure you i will never leave..never...trust me k? As long u need me, i be dere...

B, i hate to see u this wae..it really hurts me...i really wish i could help u in all ways...Dun doubt ok..

I dunnoe wad to sae to u...deres alot of things i wanna tell u...thoughts...alot...be strong...U can do it..

When things going downhill & everything coming at one shot, itz common to have a breakdown...You have to brace up and walk thru this tedious long route..& i be there to walk thru every single step with you...

Hugs

BB

Finally...Everything has been lifted totally...

2005-11-29T10:08:00.000+08:00

Went to ah b house have dinner wf her, toking session all in all..

Wow..Waht a eventful nite yest men...Went to look for ah b for dinner last nite and din realise we started toking till 2am..Gosh men! Finally so called yest was the nite that i really really revealed most stuff of my inner world to her..which ive like nv intended to really do that ...All my happenings in life all revolves around the time that i alreadi chnge...HAi..i really spilled everything out including things that i hurt my mum back den..

I wis a vr close fren of mine would be dere for me patiently to pour everything out like wad i attended to ppl..But would i have a fren lidat?hmm...I wish she be the one...I hoep so coz i alreadi regarded her as my beloved sis..If she will be the one, i guess i really would be vr happy..aniwae that;s not the pt..

Im finally glad, i saw my sisters all had their happiness route all paved out...My job, my mission is finally so called done..Be happpy k everyone..Itz time for me as usual to go into retreat agn...Stay happy and lovable alwiz..Jus rem no matter wad hapns, i will still return and be dere for ya...:)

In life, we should appreciate all little things happening around, appreciate & treasure the ppl who love us...this is the best gift given to them..I dun expect any returns..& my only wish is to see you always happy in wadever you do..Wan to see ur 4ever laughter alwiz coz seriously it is the only thing will brighten up my dae and lit up my life...noeing you has never been a regret...Only utmost appreciation and gladness...:)

Nana

Life is not just abt accepting but accomodating as well...

2005-11-24T13:34:00.000+08:00

Life is not just abt accepting but accomodating as the one that you love too...

Yes, i have indeed fallen for her...For so long, U told me to confess to her in-regardless of the outcome..I kept not wanting to do it..For im indeed very afraid of the outcome..the situation turnout that we will no longer be close animre...

Then that one night under the influence of alcohol, and the game of truth n dare that me, ah b and fanny played...they managed to finally dig all my past out of me..and made me confessed what exactly was my past and my current feel for BB..

Everything seems so light now..i need not carry a heavy load with me everywhere i go..afraid of revealing and stuff..afraid that she will noe..Now evrything spells so clearly out..but well, seeing her advancing so well into the guy tt she like..tt vr rich guy...somehow..dunnow wad i shld feel oso...

Helping her analyst..helping her do all the neccessary..kiping her accompany..was all tis really wad i wan...yes, i guess so...coz her happiness is wad it matters most now...hoping she be happy always and us maintaining this closeness tt we shared...

i hope everything turns out well for her and well for me in my career..anithing else im not caring that much...Am i still alost child?at least the onli thing tt i noe now is i need no longer hide..with that ive put down a big stone in my heart...

I like her alot in a very different way..thats y i wanted her to be happy..I need not own her...i just want her to be happy..that's abt it... This kinda happiness can never be explained..This lifem it is fate that we got to know one another, be vr good sis & yadah..yadah...This is destiny & i treasure it..that's y i treasure you...Do u see it? Do u see that? If ever you noe...i alwiz wish you all the best all all the well you can have..

B, dun worry, u will always have me for a support ..no doubt...wadever gonas hapn...i be dere...:) Coz for the only reason now that i see it as..Clear-headed mind..You will 4ever and ever be my treasured and beloved sis that no matter wad gona hapn, with a golden word frm u, i will be dere by you any time you need me k? Really wish our friendship will stay this way 4ever...

Sometimes i really do hope you would spend more time understanding me too tho i never would voice it out..I guess it is just so like me..to alwiz give and no not expecting for any returns...I wish my happiness will soon arriev too..Wen i see the happiness of my sis , subconsiously derive happiness frm it..B, stay happy 4ever & ever k? Huggies! :)

~Upsetting~Dilemma~

2005-10-31T08:45:00.000+08:00

Why is things turning out this way?

Felt so upset always after a quarrel session with mum. She told me i have changed? Im no longer like b4..I always come home late now and they dun even get to see me very often especially my dad..Hmm, what should i say? Is it really bcoz of B? Is it really beoz that they are Malaysian and their parents are all not in Sg..That is why they are more free to anithing that they want and not me? Coz i have a family to commit to..I must always rem that i have parents and brothers at home. Not being at home so often shouldn't be the wae at all..At least to my mum, this is how they feel? Is that really the case?

Ya, i do admit i wana spend more time with B..And i noe i am already doing it at the expense of my family..Is it bcoz i "ai wan" that is y i kip wanting to be outside instead of home? Or it is just my character? I dunnoe..i onli noe recently we have been having quarrels & bickering over all this stuffs about me being not at home treating home like a hotel?

I went to the fortune teller and i remember something that he said suddenly..He said i intend to shift out of my house next yr iszit? Hmm...At that point of time, i really din think much of it..Upon thinking bck now, it might be true after all..Hmm..Dilemma..

Im no longer a kid, i dunnoe...i want time with my family too..but it ishard to make them understand actually that's how i felt..Haiz..nothg else to sae..tired..end here...

If given a choice, what exactly would i do, and what decision would i make? I dunnoe..

Been some time..

2005-10-21T00:55:00.000+08:00

Been some time since i log into here...

Today is 20th Oct..i login agn after so long..Dunnoe y..Perhaps getting too tired to write animre..
Having to always think of wad to write..My b..looking for a room for her..She is shifting out of her bf house.. So anibody has any lobang for master bedroom, air-con, $300-$400, near Central and without owners..Am looking for it now lo..Kinda urgent..Do let me know if ya have it k..hee Aiya..alot of things on my mind bt dunnoe wad to write..Am thinking if i can shift out, that wld be gd..At least i could share the burden with ah b and she need not worry so much..but i cant..haiz..

Jus met up with Xt the other dae for awhile while waiting for ah b to finish class...Saw Xt and somehow dunnoe y..the kind of familiar feeling still revolves ard ...Feel safe toking and staying close to her..hmm..Wad kinda feel is tis..?I dunnoe myself too..Jus am glad to have this kinda feeling...

My ah b think sleeping now le..Dunnoe y something kips weighing on my mind..bt jus din noe wad iszit abt..haiz...4get abt it..

Perhaps go slp now dun tnk so much wld be better..feel so sien abt life suddnely..really boring...a person with nthg to my name..wf no monies and stuff..haiz...time to recollect and pick myself up..start earning mre monies...get a clear mindset and nthg else..that should be my goal...

Tell myself i could do it no matter how hard..Yes, i be able to...work towards my goal..:)

Am i ...Am i not....I think i am....

2005-10-14T17:06:00.000+08:00

Is this what world is gona do to me..having to go thru this sequence yet again..How many true is there in every different r/s..?

我想我真的已动真情了。。爱上不该爱的人只有一连连的痛苦。。。为何又让我跌进这个无法自拔的无底洞。。。

这难到就是我的命垮吗？

I live in happiness everyday deriving from my loved ones thinking her to be just that distant only..But did i realise i had already fallen in it? Till an unexpected figure that called me up to tell me so...Yes, you did, dun avoid, you have already fallen deep into it without my own realisation..Is that really the case? I seriously hope not coz im happy and satisfied the wae things are now..Really doesnt want to jeapordise anything..Am no longer like b4..I need not own someone to let the person now i care and they matters...It lives in my heart..& the person will noe..The scarificies perhaps will be hard and painful for me but certainly happiness for her..as long i had a little place in her heart...

我无冤无悔。。。4ever wishing you be that happy and free of worries..

Nana :)

Memorable moments...

2005-09-23T15:30:00.000+08:00

What a memorable moments @ PW....

Nothing much for joting down todae...XT flew to Perth yesterdae, left me a farewell msg asking me to take care ..Hugs..She left for training...Suddenly i misses her so much...Dunnoe why this sudden feel in me...Aniwae she be gone for around 2 weeks...Hope to see her soon.. :)

had been spending some time with my B..Made me feel happy...Just being with her make me feel just so tired but relaxed..Got the news from her she will be going back her hometown (KL)next year..which is real soon...All of a sudden, have been thinking..it is so ahrd to find this best sis & buddy of mine..and just as we built this friendship..shes leaving that soon and not coming back for good...Cant hep but feel upset and sad..Knew i will miss her...Knew there will already be a distant dere tho friendship will never end...I will miss U BB...

Ace ahs been a real good fella..thru all the times that we noe him till now..he is really a trustworthy fren..Appreciate that i knew him..Hope we will always maintain this friendship too...:p

Bro, so long never see ya comments..so quiet...do drop a note wen ya free sia..now my mind total go yo! hahaha dunnoe what i myself am thinking le...Just doin what im happy and suppose to..Cheers! :)

"Really Love all the people above mentioned here"...haiz...:p

Is my thoughts really that negative...?

2005-09-20T15:45:00.000+08:00

Am i such a negative person...?

"Sometimes when we touch, the honesty so much..." - A song that i once so liked..

Whenever we went to ktv...i would always like to hear my B sing Cantonese song and "Tai Wei Qu"...Dunnoe y..just make me relive the past memories agn..Not just the guys are so memerised by her voice, even i myself couldn't help it but fall in love with it..And her Canto song is just so fantastically nice..I think i am really memerised with her...with her vocals, with her, just with her everything...i cant fight the feeling off when faced with my identity crisis..I hope i can take her just as my younger sis..and i am really trying hard to do that and nothing else...i really hope i could succeed in overcoming this barrier of mine...Very soon enuff, her bdae will be coming..(Oct 13). I have yet to think of anything to buy for her yet..Felt like doing something special for her and make it a very special memorable bdae year for her...But am i up to it? ..I dunnoe...i guess i just wana do something just to see her happily celebrating which she loses out all these years..

I feel so deeply attached to her everything now..My life already practically revolved ard her..Was that gd or bad? I dunnoe it myself too..I just hope to protect her while i still can...while i'm still around..to make sure she's not hurt or bullied..I guess for her everything is worth it...Everybody has been asking me..is it worth it? to do so many things for her? Would she came to realise and appreciate it? I chose to believe that she will and she knows it..

Know what..out of a sudden thought, din noe y i have been kiping in touch with my ex.Im always the one taking the initiative to call her chit chat for aawhile, ask her out ...but the coming out has never materilised as she is flying to Perth this Thurs for VB training...All of a sudden, i have been thinking...y am i suddenly thinking of her? Am i missing her right now?Y is it that she has never take the effort to msg or call me? I dunnoe...Just 1/2 an hr ago, i thought of asking her " Have you already moved on?" ...But in the end, i never got the courage to ask..Perhaps i just doesn't dare face it..My heart seem to still wavied very much to my past..I was so much more relaxed and happy...the attention, the feel all came so differently..Tho im happy now, it is also bcuz of B that i am happy in my kinda life now..When faced with guys...seriously i dinnoe how to handle myself well at all...That is just so sad...Am i really that negative? Or iszit just that i think earlier for things? Theres pros and cons in everything men...But i just cant feel my luck in wadever things coming...At least that's what i felt..

B on my left, ah pek on my right..Xt in my heart...Just so which is which..what is what...HOw is how?

I guess sometimes i really just think too much..but iszit avoidable? I tried not to think so much..i really tried...but i guess it is really just abt the feel and stuffs men for feeling lost ...In my heart, i wish you well and all the best ger...i still feel as much for ya...B, as for you, no matter wad, i be always dere for you...for you will always be my beloved sis...ah pek, i wonder does even ever a ordinary person catch ur eye one dae?

I am tired...shall rest my mind, my heart now and cast all unpleasant thoughts all aside..Earning lotsa $$$ should be prioty now...isnt it so? To earn more! Buy a car...have spare cash on hand..fetch my B around...my main objective now...Word hard! Kam Ba Dek..! :)

Truely, Madly, Deeply..."I am just so in love with you...." - By Regine & Jacky Cheung...

Why would i feel this way...?

2005-09-14T16:45:00.000+08:00

Why am i feeling this way...I thought i am just supposed to ...protect her?

What is happening? What is exactly that i want now..IT seems to be so long since my No Confidence level and inferiority complex came back..Now i ain't feeling any good..If i just maintain the kind of just taking care of her and not think of anything else, would i be able to do just that? If i am able to do it, perhaps i wont feel so "xinku" animre...

My dear B is always better den me in every aspects and isn't it gd? Why am i feeling all the inferiority complex? Hmm...Perhaps if i don't happen to like that person ...perhaps things would'nt be that bad rite? My B is pretty, nice, lovable, chatty, arm up faster, got her own style and attitude, taller and everybody likes her..She is popular and seem that no one can resist her..Itz just a charm that she has that really makes everyone goes gaga over her...Not to say those guys, even i myself couldn't resist it as a female...It is just that charm in her...4ever so lasting and 4ever so nice and sweet...But pls ppl out dere, if you wana her go aniwhr or get to know her, kindly do it urself and dun think as if i go, she will go tho we are very close..It only make me feel my existence of value is bcuz of her thats y im being valued..I felt very upset...I "teng" her enuff to if ignore all this..But wen things get too much, it is just overwhelming at times..It make me feel upset standing beside her..that i am just so "maio xiao"...You get it B..Perhaps you wnt feel it this wae cox you are not the one in my shoes..But that is wad im exactly feeling now...

b, i fully wanted to concentrate just to take care of you and stuffs but when i see such a overwhelming grp of guys are all around you, i can thelp but feel upset and stand just aside...thinking to myself..Y are u that popular...am i that pathetic or shld i start chnging my mentality mindset aldy...I think i should coz im feeling so much pain with all this thoughts...

I dropped a sms to B just now pouring out my thoughts...i wonder how and what she will see thru that sms...Would she understand . or would she chose to ignore it? Sometimes i guess it oso...

Hmm...Am i just too sensitive? Think too much? It is happening that is y i would think of all this..i seriously doesn't want it to affect our friendship...That is oso y i kept keeping quiet..
How sad...I want her to be happy, yet i can't overcome my own barrier.What am i exactly to do..

So tired at times...i think will jus concentrate on protecting her ba....B...i guess i will just have to learn to handle myself better...:p

I feel glad yet at the same time quiet...

2005-09-08T10:48:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was our PartyWorld audition dae and my B went thru...!!!

Yes, Yesterday was our partyworld audition. I went together with my cousin and my B together with a sense of enthusiam looking forward to it..But a pity, both me n B was coughing away yesterday and obviously i'm losing my vocals also...I can onli hope for the best.. My B got Group D No. 2 and i got Group D No. 4. While she went inside for the audition, i was quietly listening outside..den i realise bt it that she has cough, she still sang quite well, within just a few sentences, the bell ring, ya..and she got in ! I was really happy for her..I knew she could do it no doubt at all...Her dream of becoming a star is getting nearer soon..

When it came to be my turn, with my voice this way and my kan cheongness, i actually finish the whole song but pitch went flat and below normal standard..Tho, the judge gave me a 2nd chance to sing another song, i was unable to present a better me out..Thanks was all they said n i left..My B was waiting for me outside...With her by my side, i felt at least much comforted..But a sad thing which is, we came together but we are unable to fight alongside by side together...But i will still 4ever be by her side...

I'm really very happy for her yesterday but somehow in a corner part of me, i felt disappointed...yes, for myself that i can't make it and for not being able to sing alongside her..

Whenever i am with her, there is always a mixed complexity of sadness and happiness...The tinge of happiness derived from her, everytime seeing her laugh so happily away made me feel happy too...But wadever things that we do, she will always be more superior den me...In terms of that, when this kinda feel sets, i can't help but feel alittle disappointed..and despondent and inferior...Tho i'll never bring it out to say but somehow i feel it in me...and this feel only i can fel it coz i never brought it out to anione..Sometimes i wonder does she noe? But nevertheless, putting all this aside, i am still very happy for her, the happiness that i felt for her already exceeded my own unhappines...which is gd i guess...

We went to Geylang to celebrate and eat frog leg porridge men! How nice ti was..Drooling..hahaha

Yesterday B told me that that ernie (ultimate rich guy that was interested in her) wanted to ask her stay in his empty semi-detached anitime she wanted to move out..I was de...diao..i wonder what my fren am thinking but of coz i hope she will not do that, i rather hope she cont with this current bf coz this guy of hers are actually quite a good guy to say..Ernie even said wanted to hold a bdae bash for her on her coming bdae..and she need not do anything but njoy...How sad i was to hear that coz i had intended to throw one bash for her too but i guess theres not a need for me to do that anymore..Since some else wanted to do it for her..How i wish i had the ability too...I had the car too...Den perhaps i be able to work wonders...Tho having $$ is not everything but it is definately a neccessities..If i could drive her around, wouldnt that be gd?

Ohs...what am i thinking, her bdae is on Oct 13th..Any idea what to get for her? I can't think of any..I wanted to do something preferbably handmade so that it is more meaningful but nothing concrete came to my mind..Hey bro, think for me leh..date drawing near le..See what can i get or do up for her k?

HAiz...relatively now B seems to have so many suitors..*count fingers) LAst time everynite call me nw oso cut down le bcuz she need to entertain so many ppl now..Guess she kinda like all these attention..Hmm..As long shes happy abt it, den i will support her quietly lor..

What abt me? Hahaha this couple of daes haven been in contact with Ace and Henry ..One online fren, the other a biker...Both seems gd! Hhahaha bt well, no harm to noe more frens la! Hehe Lenard (Singing fren that was 18 yrs older) has been contacting me hard this few daes men..Think eversince he spoken how he felt, he has me so much more daring..Haiz,,a pity la...hes so much older arbo can really consider..

Nothing much to tok abt le esp abt me...But wish everything goes on well, my voice will come back by this Sat for Gao Fei concert..I hope to do it well too..present myself well and come out of the shadow..When can i ever do that? Perhaps i just deosn't have the confidence enuf to do that...Coz i felt i'm never good enuff esp beside her...Haiz...go look at my friendster testi...Am just so touched upon seeing her write those stuffs coz she rarely write testi for ppl one and she dun normally say what she felt..THis time rd, i appreciate all these that she have wrote..I think imy les blood is still fowing more then my str8 blood...Dun you think so? Iguess so...

With this...I gave her the eternity bow that our friendship will certainly last...Huggs...

Nana

What a nice feel....So touched...=)

2005-09-06T13:48:00.000+08:00

I never realised happiness was so sweet till i met you in my life..My beloved sis...

A sudden urge to blog in here...been so long since i last saw my bro Keefe!! Aiyo..She MIA le lah the moment she changed job! Wahahaha She doesnt have msn in the office..so "jialat" can..hahaha she la kip telling me her office have pretty babes! What else? hahaha Dun drool wor...Better save ur brains for work!! hahaha Kip in Contact k?

Yayaya...back to my topic..Dunnoe why eversince noeing Jv, i feel that my life has been filled with happiness derived all from her! haha Dunnoe y, just felt so warmth whenever with her..Eversince our cheong dae, we have been busy every day sleeping only at the wee hours and now ya...both of us are sick! wahaha

You noe wad? My B left me a testi homework she called it test and helped me approved it! haha coz she has accessed to my friendster...Haha Upon reaching hm, the 1st thing i did was to chnk the testi, and wen i read it, i was soso fulled of appreciation...Am so touched, just so touched...Touched to the extent my tears nearly swelled up to the brims of my eyes..Seriously frankly speaking, this is the 1st time, i saw and heard all this from her...Her sincere heartfelt words..It is rou ma..yes it was..but i realli like it alot..coz i noe she seldom "hang" all this on her lips...but in the testi she said all out...and i am seriously never any happier then that to see it...Nothing could describe why i "teng" her so much..y i pampered her so much...with this kind of sis...how can i not be so..Shes just so lovely and sweet...

B, just remember no matter wad, i be always here and i promise you this with a cross on my heart k? Luv ya...=)

Friendship Forever....Huggs & Muackssss

Nana

I can't take it if i'm wrongly accused..!

2005-09-01T11:01:00.000+08:00

Is this world fair....?

What the fuck! What the heck! Perhaps this is what i wanted to do! Throw all vugarities at that stoopid BlackRose once and for all...Imagine me who doesn't like to scold vugarities can be so angry abt it and scolding it now..This person must have really step on my tail..Tho she doesn't throw the things straight in my face but when news travel to my side it is equivalent the same... Yes, i am not happy coz i hate people who tok behind me esp if it is regarding things that i've never done before..If i feel that i am wrongly accused, i make sure the person will get a hell out of me! I can tolerate alomst anything except being accused..If you shoot me without any evidence and spread the news around till words get to her aunt..I can tell you, you won't get any life better too..Stoopid BlackRose! This nick totalyy suit you adaptly..

It has been so long since i lost my cool and you had to be dere stepping on it re-triggering it..I dun care and won't bother what others say abt me coz i simply dun give a damm! Bt like what i sae if words get to her aunt untruthly, i make sure you pay for my tarnished reputation! Jv is a grown up noww, she noes what to do, what can be done and what shouldn't be done. It is not as if so what if it is the 1st time she is cheonging in Spore? Does that mean she doesn't noe? There is still alot of things that you all people doesn't know..So pls dun jump to conclusion and conclude that i am the one leading her astray. I care for her more then i care for myself. Are you all people even immune and feel that? If i would harm her, i would have long ago lead her astray and stuffs, i need not wait till Wendy comes to jio us b4 going! Get it! Get the facts right b4 you conclude on anything and determine whether a person is good or bad?!

If living till this age and you can't even see that, i can only say you a failure flop! Stop determining others with ya own thinking and think that you are always right! Bullshit! If you even handle urself, leave others out of it for goodness sake! If you wana think the traditional way of thoughts, seiously noone can stop you ..Like what i've said, i be very calm till if you decided to brew wind into matters and blow it up, den..you can be assured i won't let myself be wrongly accused by you..

Pls rem this,...as much as you all 'teng xi' jv, i felt the same wae too and will protect her all the wae ! that's my resonsibility as her sis..If a person gona change to be someone bad, it is not determined by whether she goes to a pub anot..Alot of things that you guys doesn't noe doesn't mean it never happen b4 in this occurance of her life...Dun based on what you understand her superficially to determine you are correct! I can only tell you guys, you are just so wrong...It takes mre then that to understand a person throughly..Even i myself won't dare sae i understand her completelt lest to sae you guys ..

If this is still gona be the wae you guys are thinking, i can't help it and won't do anything abt it..as long my conscience are cleared..I SIMPLY DUN CARE WHAT YOU GUYS THINK. FUCK & HECK OFF!

Disrupted my entire day mood..

Feeling so farni in me all of a sudden....:(

2005-08-29T12:15:00.000+08:00

Haiz..what am i feeling...I dun even know it myself...

What am i feeling...so farni that i would have this kinda feel in me...me and my very gd fren...yes...we do everthing togethre, share everthing together tho we just know one another for barely just months..But it seems likes ages that we have already known one another..I confide almost all things to her..People has been telling me sometimes getting too fast in a friendship is not very good too...But perhaps i stay by my own belief still and always...

My colleagues all told me it is ok if you like the same stuffs...But if you like the saem guy one day...what would happen...Be it my character and with my low self-esteem, i guess i will withdraw and give up..i will...more to the fact if that person is really close to me..my close fren? Yes..i guess i regarded as 1...i teng her..care for her..totally disregarding the fact even if she is loud n harsh and moreso in-sensitive...I have long regarded her like my sis..caring and seeing her find happiness perhaps is the best that i could do..that's i would choose to withdraw without even having to be be given a choice..

I did ask her just a few daes ago...If we ahppen to like the same person, wad would she do...She sae is actually ok..It depends on who that person likes...Very much agreed...Yet, my ans to her was "I would choose to withdraw away from it" . Y..?Perhaps i had too low self-esteem ba...I lost out in alot of areas to her..Shes prettier..slimmer..taller..fairer..sociable..friendly and yadah...yadah..I oso dunnoe wad else to sae...

Am i still facing a identity crisis? I think she has more confidence..know what she wants and am sure she could get it..But im just someone who lacks confidence and has low self-esteem in comparative with her..Is this really the point?really the case?

Or am i just being jealous that she is getting all the attention? that ppl are showing interest in her and not me? Perhaps if i think abt it in a better way, i will feel better..Do i like her? thats y i would feel left out? Coz i noe if once she had a new target..Perhaps we wouldnt be that close animre...the chance is very high this wae tho..Perhaps i still couldnt get rid of this fetish of being once a 'crooked'...it still runs in my blood...Silly ger, withdrawn need not be spoken, if you are happy just go ahead and do it..I be quietly supporting u...

"When feelings comes, it need not matter what kind it will be...it'll just comes like the swift of the wind..."

Love,

Nana, B

Identity Crisis....

2005-08-16T14:52:00.000+08:00

Am i facing a identity crisis....?

i am wondering and pondering this kinda daes ...am i facing a identity crisis? I dunnoe...Something just doesn't seem right but i can't put to my mind to what is exactly wrong..It has been so long since i last saw Xt...Ya, tho no doubt, i never really mentioned her anymore, but i know she still lives in my heart..I thought at least i could just put her aside when i am totally occupied in my stuffs...till that very dae, my dad actually asked abt Xt. "Aye, where is my god daughter whom he so affectionately called coz my parents like her so much"...I started to have flash back images again of her and me back then..those happy moments could only be displayed in my mind...I could only cooked up excuses saying that she was busy with her game of competition..What else could i really say?

Lenard, another one who make me feel so confused at times, or rather i shouldn't say confused...I shall say he made me felt so touched but i noe there is just something in me that disallow myself to go along with it..Be it age, and other factors, i am seriously thinking was it just bcoz i am not totally cleared away of my status as a crooked....Perhaps it was...caouse Xt had never left me in my heart...I had never really mentioned her eversince we broke up but still occasionally here and there i will be reminded of her and our happy moments...Was it this hanging emotions that disallow so many things from happening...Perhaps it was...I dunnoe how long this emotions gona last...but i noe it be for quite a certain period of time before i will be totally sure of what i want and what i am looking and seeking for in life...Is Xt still really the one i wana back to my life...or do i just want to start afresh and try looking at things in a different light be it of Lenard or any one else...Or further worse, those care actions and affected emotions displayed to Jv was it also a sign that of a re-bounced? I seriously didn't know...Who could i consult..Who could i ask? What am i? Who am i now? What do i really want? I felt so lost suddenly especially this few daes...feel so emotionally upset and affected but what brings about it?

I saw her blog and realise she still had me in her mind, in her heart..she still want me back in her life...but both of us knowing the fact that things will still remain the same, probz will still exist no matter what.Don't we seem like 2 fateful but separated birds as destiny jsut doesn't allow it, doesn't allow us to be just together living it out happily...

Life is just so short...How much exactly can we waste...Y can't we live it happily...If i didn't see her blog perhaps i will not feel upset..y say you are waiting for Lynn...Sometimes i wondered have you actually fallen for her already without even knowing it tho i am still in your heart...i dunnoe how i should feel towards you..I wish very much too i could be in your hugs one fine day again...but itzit possible with all those problems taken away? Am i narcissitic..Perhaps i am bcoz of my commitments...We both have very individual commitments that neither of us are willing or can give it up...That is the fatal root probz of our life..We can't commit much to one another bcoz of this and this probz will definately still occur...Is it true? Am i right?

Dear, i miss you...in my heart yes...i no longer displayed my longing for you on my face anymore...I couldn't bear to look or think about you...It only reminds me of our happy past...The 1st ever 1 yr relationship that i gave so much towards..Perhaps, it is hard to fill up with others anoymore...But i din realise that..at least i noe you are the only one who was able to make such a huge change in me...from a butch to a active and to a so called femme when ii'm with you...With that, i appreciate and thank you...Miss ya always in a place in my heart..

" If ever one dae there is a person to replace me in you heart, i will be happy for you.. for your life but upset as i noe by then, you would have really move on without me in your life...If that person was Lynn...perhaps i'll be even upset but i noe right to the end, it is still your choice and freedom of right to decide who and what you want..In a corner of a place here...I wish you eternal happiness always...

Your Love Always,

Roujun...

Sometimes i wonder what am i feeling in me...

2005-08-12T01:44:00.000+08:00

What exactly happen to myself...in my life...

All of a sudden on this late nite...I seem to have alot of late thoughts flooding into my mind...Where should i exactly start from ...Work? Maybe...

Work

Farni...what is it abt work that is bothering me? Idun seem to understand...but one thing i noe of is i'm not happy working here in this current job...Am i really just pessimistic towards my job or am i just picky abt it. Should i just be glad that at least i had a job...Why do i always seem to have so much questions on my mind...I did try answering myself but to no avail...My aunt recommended me this job as a procurement exe. I really have to thank them but still i know in me, i have no other alternative thats y i need to accept this job to survive... I have too many commitments ans stuffs to contribute that i know i need cash all the time...I wish to find a job that i like too.. But seriously, it is really never easy...with me out of navy, with no experience outside, with my qualifications like nuts..I am nothing..

I felt so stuck here...I have all the heart to move on for a better future..greener pastures yet i could not move just bcoz i do not have the financial ability to do what i want to do..To be a instructor? I need to take course and all these need money...i doesn't have it... i dun have the ability to do anithing...No matter how much i wan venture out, i couldn't...i am stuck here...dunnoe for how long...How to be opptismistic abt it when i dun see any future of road ahead of me...i need money...dun i...yes i do...

Put all that aside for i noe, i can t do anithing abt it unless i have a big sum of money now...i be able to really get down to do what i want..

Singing Life..

Sometimes i wonder how this road will turn out to be for me...i dare not think...coz for my age, perhaps it is already too late..but still i held on...for the fact this is my dream and i hope to fufill it no matter how little wae it cold be..I wanna try...i knew a guy from my Gao Fei class...he is 18 years older den me...Im into the stage which i din even noe wad am i now..what has bcum of me...wd is exactly my status and identity now...i felt as if i am having a indentity crisis...wad am i thinking...I am indeed touched by what this guy has done...and tho i really prefer more mature man...but he seem way too old...hmmm...i just felt that something was missing...but i dunnoe wad was it...it might just be my identity has not really been cleared up yet...i din even noe wad am i now..and at this studio i happen to noe ager 1 yr younger den me...a person whom i wana noe very long ago...coz i always to her as my idol in singing...Never imagine that there will be this dae that i will get to noe her and to think that we could just hit it off so well....i dun deny i am really very good to her...to the fact that i really treated her like princess and pamper her quite alot...Dunnoe y...she just gave me this feeling that i have to care for her...It a miracle...the feeling kinda same like ching...haiz...jsut hope she appreciate everything that i've doone for her coz i have already taken her like my younger sis...and teng her alot...

Hmm...dunnoe wad im saying la...just wish that she will grow up to be a good and forever a special in my heart which onli i myself noe of..."Jv, no matter wad u do, i be forever at a side protecting you silently...always in my life..."

Xt

Yes, i heard abt her this kinda daes...saw her msn and seem she has been missing me...me too but ...somehow i noe even if theres a possibility one dae that we cld get back together, probz that has already exist will still re-surfaces yet agn...and for this, i dun think i will want it to be this wae ...THo i very much wish that i could be in her arms...i noe my commitments can never allow me to do that...i could only wish all the best for her happiness...For all my changes in my llife towards my commitments, i am still the same old me...

"Love acts no wonder...trust me fully...i beseech you coz i hope we could share weal and woe together one fine dae dwn the road...U will always be the princess k, my dear sis..."

Lots of Unclear Thoughts...

2005-08-10T09:15:00.000+08:00

It has been a good weekend thru-out...till i've just seen...

Sometimes i keep wondering to myself wad is exactly happening in my life..Do i still miss her?Yes, i do...at times when i think back of the times that we had spent together..I think i can never be suitable to be in a r/s coz i no longer know how to please the kind that she wants. While msn that dae, we spoke, but the conversation ended quite fast..Was it my fault agn...She wanted someone to share her happiness and woe..don't i want to?Y do i always feel that only she can voice out and not me..And when i did, it will be as if it isn't a good thing...i dun even know what myself an saying now..What irony..

I dun think i know what i could to satisfy what a r/s needed...Perhaps i shld just turn str8 or remain just single..wouldn't that be the best...Perhaps it does..

IF i dun think back, everything would seem just normal coz i would just concentrate entirely on the path that i am working on now..But the moment i think back, everything came flooding back..If one dae we really got back together , would things still be the saem, i guess it will...Coz my commitments now to my path is even in depth..I think unless my partner thinks the same wae as i does if not dey will never be able to understand the path i am going thru..Isn't it so...?

I do have to admit i changed alot in my appearancem outlook, behaviours...Perhaps i might no longer be the one you knew bcoz of the commitment and path that i am taking now..You wanted someone to share your happiness and woe with you ...me 2...but why is it always that you think that it is my self-esteem that is getting in the way...

From the day that i decided to take this path in this industry,i knew there will be alot of changes i had to make to myself but i am still me...that is all i can sae...

With this i end the blog today...am tired...

"Downright to the fact..Love just ain't easy.. wasn't it so...So irony..so hard to guess it thru..Wad cld i do b4 it seems right?Perhaps i hld stop trying for it only be worse..Lead my life and the path that i have chosen..."

Itz been so long..Since i blog down my thoughts...=)

2005-07-21T11:50:00.000+08:00

Life is just so amazing...=)

Quote: By dblx..

Self-Composed Song : " Chen2 Jin1 Yong1 You3 De3 Guo4 Qu4"...

So here we stand anchored in hope
letting the rain wash away every fear.
Stars in the sky twinkle and shine
I pray they won't disappear.
I wish that time could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday.
They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way.
'cause I don't know where your journey goes
or how long it takes to unfold.
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart.
And I know, you're watching over every beat of my heart.

It has been so long since i last blog here..Been busy..yes real busy with all stuffs happening in my life..Hmm, well, perhaps it is good to be busy at this point of time so that i could get her temporaily out of my mind..

Happenings just too much happenings..was just mentioning think i am really down on my luck that couple of daes..Bobby passed away le..had a fall and stuffs...But well something unexpected was 'She' actually msg me one fine dae (Thurs - cos was having lessons) hoping that im living on fine..hmm, well .. how do u define fine and well den..Concindentally, she lost her mobile too and we exchange a few couples of msgs dere and den..she asking "Had i move on"? - Yes, move on in life coz had to but feel in heart remains deep within..She replied: " There is nothing to move on as the feeling remains deep in her heart no one could replace"... I ask dblx, is there any special meaning to all this she was saying, she said no...hmm,m perhaps it really was just a msg to let update me that she lost her mobile too ba...but neverthless, i felt happy upon hearing that i am still in her heart...really silently feeling happy...and till now i still felt the saem for her too tho i have already move on with my life coz there is just too much things awaiting me to do..

A heart-warming msg tho which ended when my lessons start..been tight up to my neck with lessons, practices, competitions & performance...So busy and packed..but am feeling happy as i really do find satisfaction finally in something i really enjoyed doing..

& of coz started to know alicia and my grp of kakis better and find life so much mre meaningful..Whenever it is time for "lalalala" i will always be over the moon coz i know we will all be talking abt the same thing and chuckling away! haha

Got to know alicia better after we both realise we followed different 'teacher' other den Gao fei..life bcums mre interesting and we practically shared alot of stuffs and talks together even with her bf! haha Went to her house yesterday and she actually plucked my eyebrows for me men...wad cn be better den tt? Free Service leh..hehe

Been enjoying my dae cooped up with singing ... This sat (23rd Jul 05) coming! my 1st ever outside stage competition with others..cnt help bt felt alittle kan cheong still and errrr....hopefully i cld stable myself..coz i really would want to perform well and not let my teacher and myself down lo..Wish me Luck k!!! Treat it as normal practice that would be the best remedy! Hehe

Alot of competitions men...partyworld competition coming up grand final at Genting Highlands and im taking part as a individual and as a grp with alicia! Haha dunow wad song to pick yet..just alot of events coming up that is lo..so happy and busy..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..of her...not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..not thinking..at the very least for the moment that im busy with my stuffs...

At the back of my head, i still knew she will forever exist in my mind and heart and i just wanna tell her..." My ger, tho we are no longer together, i still love & miss you so...I still hope to be in your arms one fine dae..." *Hugs & Kisses*

"When life carries and moves on, only a tingling feeling will be lfet in you to always remind you that the love of your heart will always remain in you mind no matter what you, wherever you might go...It just follows you there and then..." =)

Always waiting for the ONE...

2005-07-11T09:45:00.000+08:00

I have always been waiting just for that particular one..U..>*Whatashiwa O' a' ishite*<...

A Song that i love.. (Without You.. By - Marieh Carey)

I've been waiting all my life
I've been waiting for you to come
I've been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long
I swear I tried to convince myself
It would be much easier being alone
But after running circle after circle
I'm tired of being on my own
Alone on my own for too long
I wish I can meet you again
I'll tell you how much I am in love
When you let yourself fall into this love
I've been waiting for you to come

Love just doesn't come easy..all the more not when it has already left..Cherish..whatever you have..

When one's down..everything of hers will be down..

2005-07-06T11:15:00.000+08:00

Life just doesn't seem smooth sailing anymore...

A Song that will 4ever remind me of her..a song that she once dedicated to me..Miss Ya Ger..*Hugs* The Song - I Do..(Cherish You) - By 98 Degrees

Why...This few days nothing seems to go right..Feeling so 'suai' lidat...Maciam offend something lidat..think must go *praypray* le..1st - i knock my lips aganist the door, had a big ulcer and swelling which made me look so ugly...urgh..2nd - my dearest beloved handphone got stolen and i hate it! feel so upset not bcos of the handphone but bcoz of the information in my handphone..think it is just so 'suai' for me.. Can't help but feel god just seem to want to take away everything from me...every single bit of her stuffs of her memories left behind with me...Why is that so...The pics in my handphone that was transferred to my PC has alot of our pics taken together ..den PC went bonkers and everything was erased..now hp lost, even those single bit of pics and sms that was sent by her all gone with it...Somehow it just made me feel this wae...is it that coincidental? Everything was just gone lidat...Tho memories of her still stay with me in my heart in my soul but those stuffs are all gone...Made my heart break and was upset for so long..3rd - Guess what..i fell down the stairs outside my house..Shit! that's painful and think i kinda sprain my ankle too...4th - my dog bobby going heart failure anytime will collapse..haiz...what a world..what a thing to happen to me..

Does evrything have to be that drastic...Why is it that life seem so not smooth-sailing..what happen...the moment she left..the moment i wrote here..everything that i wrote just seem only so bad and upsetting never once happiness glow on my face since the day she left...The happy look displayed on my face only shows just how much im affected deep within....

Kc, you are right..the recovery is long and tedious...and i think i have not even seen the light at the end of the tunnel yet..every step that i wanted to take just seem so hard and painful..dragging myself thru every footstep breathing down hard...and telling myself, i just have to carry on and move on...Yes, i might be moving on slowly but despite of all this facts, she is still at the back of my head...

Why..??I seem to be asking myself thousand and 1 things that i couldn't answered...that i am really feeling so tired..Trying to keep myself occupied everydae just so that i wouldn'y think of her...but she will always sip into my mind yet again..Is love that vunerable..or is our love that vunerable? Is our love not strong enuff..or perhaps we really have to let time prove evrything...If one day things are meant to be...it will be..If not letting go will still be the best option..I guess 1 yr frm now...i will still be like now engulfed in memories of her tho maybe moving on abit better..with my life...

I can't...i can't ...i can't get her out..never..y..is her impact so great on me? A Capricon? is that the case..how sad den...y is my life always entwined with capricons..y can't things turn out right...Arghh...

Do i have alot of voice in me?I guess so...some telling me this...some telling me that...

& one voice telling me now...it is time for lunch...! Hehe I guess im being cranky agn after so much...i just cant help it..'Wo Ai Ni Jui Sheng, Ni Ye Yi Yang Ma'?

这辈子不后悔下辈子不曾在错过你的真爱
不再怕伤害不再怕期待
该把幸福找回来而不是各自缅怀
我会在沿海地带等着潮汐更改试着忍耐
以为只要简单的生活就能平息了脉搏却忘了在逃什么...
绕着上路走的累了去留片刻要如何取舍
你走路姿态微笑的神态见你就是曾错过的真爱...

"I love you deeply and wish that dere will be a day down the road where both of us will see the same light together once again..."

The recovering stage is always that hard...

2005-07-01T16:45:00.000+08:00

The route to recovery seem so long and hard..so tedious and exhausting...

A Song to describe what i should do? " Yong Gan" - Zhang Huei Mei

It has been some time since i wrote in here..been busy with classes yet again i gues..sometimes just felt am so tired to write anything..why is this so? I dunnoe..My hands felt so tired, my right shoulder is giving me a very numbness feeling..What is happening to me.. Seem to have alot of illness in my body coming up..Whenever i fet that sad & unhappy, she will always be here for me..no longer is she anymore..

She msn me yesterday out of the blue it took me so aback..asking how cum i put "Ruojun" this name as my msn nick..noe y..It has a story behind it..After been thru so many thunderstorms of r/s, this is the only one that made me fele that i wanted to settle down with my partner and a sad thing is she is too much younger then me, we thought and wanted to have a home and live on our own..having kids whom we would named her(girl - Stace, Tan Ruojun), (Boy - Joel, Tan Junwei). This thought of this name keep replaying in my memory..and im so terriblyy affected by it..how i wish i could too...but a pity...everything that you want would not turn out the wae as expected..

i rather if she wan sms or msn, she will continue do it as if we are still very good frens but if she ask me to give her time b4 we should meet up, y even msn or sms me..It only bring my whole mood down..and for this i noe someone out there is also suffernig from this pain like me..."My good confidate, certain things might have to go one dae and it is always not within our means to keep it within our control" We really have to learn and cope wih it...is that really so? I dunnoe...Everytime i heard news of her, the pain is just intriguing..painful..

What is she doin now and stuffs? Heard that she injured her shoulder..Hope that she will recover soon ...That silly girl..sometimes really afraid that she will over exert herself and her body..really dun wish to see anithing happen to her or her body...Felt really upset shes this wae...Hope she will treasure her ownself too..Shes still being very defensive towards me..i wonder when can our barrier be closed up..Am i destined to always this kinda fate with Capricons...I dunoe..i jus hate this feeling...When faced with capricons, theres always no good ending..

I keep thinking of her whenever my mind is empy, when my time is not occupied..Yesterday i wen t for my lessons and the song taught was (Yong Gan - Zhang Huei Mei)..It adaptly describe all inner thoughts of me...should i be brave too and fight all this off..i wish and want to...but i realise my strength is just so limited..

I miss her...I miss you..I miss eeyore..I miss ma tong...I miss my Laogong...I miss my beloved Dear....

Thru time goes, i realise i love you just that much ... till i can't breathe..

Live happily and that would be my best comfort..

* To realise..to see..to feel...to know..what love is exactly about...

Just felt like doing nothing at times...

2005-06-28T09:15:00.000+08:00

Hmm..Hmm...

Sometimes, at the back of my head, i jus felt like doiong nothing and just do what my usual routine was...not think of anything else...not bothered abt wadever things that is going to come str8 at me..

Yesterday was a kinda fine dae..until she msg me...asking me did i go Club95 bcoz that i wanna meet her up..hmm, i dun deny i wish to see her that's y...Buy her ending message just seem so sacarstic.." Whoa..nice timing..So very free now right?" Doesn't it sond saca? Ya..at least it sound this wae to me..I dunoe wad to expect from this as i dun understand why is there a need for her to do this..If i have a choice, i would also wish i could stop my lessons earlier..

Wadever..words now are jus nothing but past encounters..Y bother so much when the more you try to do something, the more it might backfire..

Things in life at times are just meant to be...left to be...perhaps it will be better..Dun you think so..?

Have been keeping myself busy recently so that that she will not sip back into my mind...coz if i start thinking, it will be never ending..But guess reality is still cruel, once everything is back on the normal route, the images will comes in once again..i just have to cope..i gota learn...i noe i have to...

Just went to Shenglong place to rail my voice away last nite.. haha how interesting..was praised for the vocals and felt so happy upon hearing that...at least, my efforts and time was not wasted..Hmm...Njoyed the whole session last nite! whoa...Think i should go home practice more on my songs le..Competitions coming up..gota prepare so much stuffs..lalalalala..guess, this is the only thing that will liven up my spirits and not let me think about anything else..At least for the time being..*Ponders*

*Ding* *Ding* * Ding*----- Today after work will be time for lessons again..Must really brush up well on my lyrics and chinese men...hehe Lolx..

"Tiring tuesday...back to work now...a dae past..a dae past...i past a dae...which is not my dae...i live my life day by day...that is my life for now.."

Mobile Message...

2005-06-28T09:00:00.000+08:00

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空着的前座仿佛路没尽头
房里你睡过的双人床浴室镜台上落单的牙刷
现在都寂寞只有狗陪伴我
朋友说你走了劝我别想的太多
你说过你爱我手机里的留言你曾这么说

你给我的留言反复听了几遍
短短几句像看见你的脸
没了你我只能活在回忆里面
删除它勇敢一点
决定爱你之前对爱轻描淡写
你微笑着说有我你会快乐
守候我的电话变成你的寄托
那一年的冬天被你感动

站在镜前反复的思索
镜里的我样子渐渐朦胧认不出我

担心爱情永远难以实现
守候你的电话不再是我的寄托
没有了你我学着重新生活

Above Quoted: From dblx words of wisdom..

" There is never day that i am waiting..what am i exactly waiting for..Waiting os just only a form of acceptance of what you are going thru..When one day nothing comes in anymore, the old gap will be filled up by a new someone..That will be the day you know she has to really go..."

Inside your Heaven...

2005-06-28T08:50:00.000+08:00

Inside Your Heaven

I've been down
Now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation coming around
I guess it's right, it's so amazing
Everytime I see you I'm alive
You're all I've got
You lift me up
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes

I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
I wanna be earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathing in
A soothing wind
I wanna be inside your heaven

When we touch, when we love
The stars light up
The wrong becomes undone
Naturally, my soul surrenders
The sun and the moonlight
All my dreams are in your eyes

And I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
And I wanna be the earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathing in
A soothing wind

I wanna be inside your heaven
When minutes turn to days and years
When mountains fall,
I'll still be here
Holdin you until the day I die
And I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way

I wanna be inside your heaven
Take me to the place you cry from
Where the storm blows your way
I wanna be earth that holds you
Every bit of air you're breathing in
A soothing wind
I wanna be inside your heaven
Oh yes I do...

Above Quoted: From dblx words of wisdom..

"I see truth and light in life but yet darkness is still engulfing around..One day i know i will see.. twingling light at the end of the stretch of my hands...Im waiting..."

Finally today is Friday...Weekend time...

2005-06-24T15:46:00.000+08:00

[[ Finally, the days goes by & it is Friday again... ]]

Friday, friday...Itz friday again..the end of the week always smells and taste better ..Hehe..Guess what..i am not at work today..Y? Coz i have been sufferring from bad stomach cramps dunoe due to what la...that i have to take MC lor...Feel so boring at home..

hmm...came online and saw my very long never contact fren...Ms Piggy Princess..left her a testimonial and chatted with her on msn too..Well, it been so long that i talk to her..but somehow we are still able to relate well to each another...& for the fact that our situation is oso that similar..

Didn't know i still had so much to talk to her and yet being comfortable abt it...the time that we manage to catch up will be when shes back frm her holidays..Hope everything is going on fine for her..Perhaps am happy coz this is a indeed a worthy fren that ive always wanted keep coz she can rally be a good fren in need....If you heard me...!!!! When you come back, we shall go for a drink or 2 k??

Life..life..in my room writing..with no music around me, suddenly i fele the silent of the air around me...the quietness..somehow it sent a tranquil down my soul...so peaceful...im glad i have a few moments of these...In my back head, when everything is silent, i thought of her yet again..

Hows she doing now,..perhaps i should leave her to be alone forsometime, im afraid of things being backfire if im too persistent..but still i will love & care for her as a fren being dere hopefully when she needs...Hope that 1 dae, we be able to cross this barrier and comes out for some drinks & cya each another soon...that will be my greatest wish...

Feeling kinda tired & drowsy aft the medicine but just doesn't wish to go and sleep coz last night the moment i close my eyes..i saw her, of our 1st time, 1st touch, 1st kss at the 1st place...The scene just couldn't get out of my mind...Move on..yes i will, i guess down to the bottom line..age really still plays a difference and a important part in our life..we can't deny the face...But i hope every individual could at least try to fight for it & live for what they want...

I keep thinking as if there seems to be thousands thoughts in my mind...& i guess i will keep on writing till the day i've run out of things to write..i will carry on..

A sudden thought of Gac..wondering what this long old fren of mine is doing...She has been a great fren..Hopefully one day we will get to put all those unhappy stuffs behind us and get to talk again..Cheers..shall be going see my ah ma in hospitl later after which think will meeet up with ym for some drinks..Maybe i will go down ecp too...to recapture some of the 4ever lingering memories...

& yes, my beloved fren, keefe..shall mit up one dae go happy and see see look look k? I really should not keep my cooped myself my in my room animre..Waiting for you hor & be happy too in wadever you are doing...you are indeed a worthy fren that pulls me thru the darkest period of time...I thank you here...

Thanks my ever beloved good bro.....

Knocking off...Finally..Lessons & Thoughts again...

2005-06-23T18:38:00.000+08:00

A hard day is finally over...waiting for lesson...waiting...just made me think yet again...

Our Song that comes into my mind at this point of time...(Mei you Ni De Mei Yi Tian) - Xu Jie Er

It is finally knocking off time..a terrible day at work..Work & work & more work..the work just seem never ending..just seem so overloaded..So sianz..Why do i feel so demoralised..Never once a happy words that came out from me..Haha

Happiness..? What is happiness? What does happiness derive from..?I no longer felt any true happiness since the day i started on the job that i doesn't like but doesn't have a choice over..I no felt anything since the day she decided to leave..I no longer felt im the ever that once jovial bubbly ME that was always jumping and rattling about..

Sometimes wondering to myself ...what has exactly happen to myself that made my life turn out this way..I will noe...i might noe...but not now..Everytime i started writing my blog, this song (Tong Hua) have to be so timely to be broadcasted now..What a thing...

I have thousands and 1 things to say, feel and write...just din noe where and how to start..the flow just wasn't smooth...I felt..yes,....i felt something...listening to this song agn, i thought of her ...thinking of her in my mind, thinking of what is she doing now, thinking of her smiles, her big hands, her big arms that used to wrapped around me..

Is she? Was she? thinking of me now too....?i dun know..But i am..despite everything you have done to back me off..to make me happy..to make me hurt..i only felt more for you..more and never ending..

Perhaps this is what you called painful love...i think i am afraid to fall in love...afraid of the feeling that i have to face once a r/s is over..it hurts just too much...I wish to just let it go...If only i could...im trying to cope still...trying to get over it at this evening of te day..wishing you be happy no matter where you are..what you are doing...for wadever it becomes, you will still be my ever beloved....eeyore....

"Till time do us part, at the breakwater where we swore and spent our 1st of everthing, we had our love marked on the sand where the sun becomes our witnesses...I miss you lots every mins of the day...Love ya* Kiss*...."

Waiting for my fren to pick me up..ready for lessons yet again..*Phew*..

Way of Love in Life...

2005-06-23T10:17:00.000+08:00

Reverie Of Love

An Para extracted from my friend, of the exact thoughts that was running in my mind...

Spend all the time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always one reason to feel not good enough and it's hard at the end of the day. So tired of the straight line and everywhere I turn, there's vultures and thieves at my back and the storm keeps on twisting and keep on building the lie that makes up for all that is lacking. I need some distraction... beautiful release - memory seeps from my veins. It don't make no difference - escaping one last time and it's easier to believe, in this sweet madness; this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees. Let me be empty and weightless and... maybe, I'll find some peace tonight.

"From this dark cold room and the endlessness that I fear, pulled from the wreckage of silent reverie..."

"With my revolving mind, it is all filled with you.."

Spinning Head..Teary Eyes...Images of You...

2005-06-22T17:45:00.000+08:00

A Song to Mark Our Story: "Tong Hua" ( Guan Liang )

Today is Wednesday..22 Jun 05 and here i am in the office listening to my mp3 CD while working..Alot of thoughts started flooding into my mind..All your images..your smiles, your eyes, your smirkish look, your ever loving & tender kiss..It just make me feel so much like tearing..Every single words that i wrote was just so felt with tears swelling to the brim of my eyelids..Why am i feeling this way..

I thought i could just keep myself busy and not think anything about it..Perhaps things will just go off and i won't feel so terrible..But a pity, it didn't..the more i tried pushing it away, the more the images of you came back into my mind engulfing all spaces of my brain that i couldn't breathe anymore..It has always been hard to pull myself thru all these emotional tracks..even all the more diffcult now when i know we still love each another deeply..but yet we can't seem to do anything about it..I have so much bottling in me that i wish i could tell you but i couldn't..Even our parting is over the sms..It has since been that long that i heard your voice, your laughter..

Whenever i hear the song "Tong Hua" i will get reminded of our story..a story called our very own..A story noone else can replace..in our little book, you made a big blotch which ended the page with all the lingering memories..Has everything really ended for us..Our love so deep yet seem so far and unreachable..The heart wrenching pain of every single moments that we once spent together can only be felt close in my dreams..

Will you be back one day...i dun noe..." If fate decrees one day down the route, i wish for our love to be rekindled once again".. There are too much things that i no longer know and am unsure of..Everything seem just so far away now..Perhaps i have really been the one not treasuring the r/s, the love, the time,..Now everything just seem too late, you told me..yes..Feeling of Love for each another is still there yet it is already not possible to be back together..Everything is just too late..The pain that was in my heart is no longer describeable..It cuts thru deep that tears & blood just seems to blend as a whole..

I know those are your spite words to make me back off, make me give up, make me 4get you..I wish i could ..at least i won't feel that terrible..I can't...Girl...I still love you that much eversince the day you step into my life, leaving your footprints in my heart forever...

How would i be able to forget you..i can't and i won't want..Perhaps this is how i should carry on with my life..bringing all the memories along with me whenever i go..

One day, when dusk set, i be dere...awaiting for daybreak..awaiting for the sun, the feel and the person..If fate ever will decrees for us..we will eventually see each another dere..the 1st place where our love starts....*kiss

* There is nothing like a seasoned bottled of red wine awaiting to be opened, just with the right opportunity..*

Hurting Words...Helpless Feel...

2005-06-22T10:10:00.000+08:00

"The splitting heartache that comes hurts more then anything else with all these words inflicted..."

Today is the 1st time i am starting on this blog page after much persuasion from my frenz..I decided to start on it and write wadever fustration and thoughts i have here..My ever deepest inner thoughts that no one knew...

Her message to me this morning only left me heartbroken recollecting all the bits and pieces that was left of me the day she left...

Her: " Why is all these coming only now..Have a great dae ahead..forget about me...

Me: " U noe i wnt 4get you..i wnt..perhaps u aldy find it too late..perphaps i realise it 2 late.yes. i did...bt still, i wana do it coz tis is wad i reall i felt.."

Her: " You haven even tried..why say you wont..if you really dont try..i make you forget me..no point clinging onto the past when everything is too late.

Me: " Y do u wan to kip insisting me 2 4get you ..u noe it deep in nt jus my heart tt we both wnt..yes, it is late..does that mean we shldnt n cnt try animre...y cnt we give each another another chance 2 work it out..

Her: " I dont trust trust realtionshiip animre! i will forget you, who say i wont..

Me: " U hurt me with ur words..yes, u dun trust me animre ..im e one who kips clinging 2 u .unable to giv u the trust 2 even rebuild our r/s together.. i cnt force you 2 have the trust in me..bt i wish you will..my strength alone is nt even enuff..

Her: " Its meant to hurt you..there's no more hope in between us..get it? just let go..you dont used to msg me, so stop messenging me. Ive kept everything to myself and i think you should too and stop ruining my work by your suprise sms//go ecp..go lo..ive stop gg dere even since before we broke up..you go there for what? To reminisce the times?

Why is it that humans are always that contradicting..Why is it that you know you still love that person yet you dare not to love just bcuz of a failed attempt once..Why is everything just so unexplainable.. My heart shattered the moment she left me..Who can understand that..I am never gonna be the same ME anymore..for a very simple reason..Bcuz it is her...

No one can replace the memories that we once shared and hold together..Girl, if you can hear me, no one can replace the love that we had too..It belongs to us and us alone..The thought of you holding me in yours arms, those tender whisper, those caring eyes, those assuring hugs are all gone..

Sometimes how i just miss you so...just so much..Girl, *hugs* i wish you happiness...

Memories & your everlasting footprints will stay embedded in my heart forever....

This song holds our memories...

2005-06-22T09:34:00.000+08:00

没有你的每一天 (徐婕兒)

回家的路總是很遠話少得很可憐
一個人的晚餐都是孤單的滋味
看見身邊重复上演屬於我們的畫面
選擇逃避的眼怎麼還是會流淚

愛著你的每一天你就是我的世界
那時候還以為我就愛這一遍
没有你的每一天快樂離我好遙遠
心已隨你走了還能用什麼感覺

我捨不得睜開眼睛害怕身邊没有你
也許在夢境裡是我們最近的距離
想念你温熱的手心冷風裡把我握緊
冬天又來臨這温度該怎麼延續

謝謝你曾經愛過我給我最美的經過
但生命最愛被剝奪未來的路該怎麼走

Life without you around just seem so different...