i am not happy ..Y...

I am not asking for any expectations...but yet i dun feel appreciated..

More of the times i dun wana ask for any returns nor xpectations..i just want to feel appreciated for evrything..but i dun feel any..most of the time granted..is that the case? At least that's wad i felt..

i dun feel happy at all today..i can't handle my own thoughts ... You can totally push away all that i've said and move on to something else so easily w/o considering at all how i actually fely..& here i am worrying for your everything...Sometimes i just felt, is it just so wrong for me to voice out anithing? I dun need any returns back from you..but at least show some appreciation..I only felt as if when you need me, u will look for me if not i will not be needed and you will turn to others..It is very upsetting on me..I du feel good u noe..i nv ask anithing frm u b4 except for your happiness and stand by you always..but i hope you give me just a little bit of respect as a sis lor..It really upsets me alot lor..

For the whole of today, i have been msging you not bcuz i want to make myself seem irritating but bcuz i care and bother abt your stuff and everything..asking you did u go wrk 2dae, worrying you doesnt have enuff time for your test ..but i din rx any reply at all...any one refute frm u was "Now i call u aldy wad"...Dun u realise my mood dere and den...it cuts..is it that difficult to reply to just a msg rather den see me msging u and "fan" u abt the same qns..and in the end, itz thru WOM that i realise you are actually at home and and definatelty wil haev sufficent time to go to the doc..I/m not trying to rule or minitor ur life..You are my sis that i care for that is y i wld bother to this extent...I just hope you understand..

You will nv noe and understand wen im angry..coz you will not sense that im actually unhappy..i just felt as long u need me, i'll be dere..nthg else..HOw i felt & react does it bother u? Or u chose to ignore it?All this words am i suppose to tell u?yes, i intended to msg u...but in the end, i withdraw..all bcuz i always chose to kip everything in me..that is y u nv seem to noe anithing ...but that doesnt mean it nv exist..have you ever bother to try to find out y am i unhappy at times ? or try to put in mre effort to understand me better? sometimes i wonder...wad am i exactly to u..

For so many time, i wanna ask, i doesnt have the guts to..i have nv heard it frm your mouth at all...Wadever it is, wad cld i do...I am not your anibody..im just someone behind the closet behind supporting u no matter wad you do..perhaps i dun even hold a candle to james ur di....Alot of times, i just kept quiet coz i respected you and doesnt want to refute anithing that u said ..and y am i feeling tis wae in me , u will ask..coz i shld understand u better den ani1 else..Yes, i do...u just jump a hair i will noe wad you are thingking...it is precisely bcuz of tis that i understand you too well..that i noe for me, i will nv see the appreciation or words cuming frm your mouth...tho i noe you do appreciate, bt everything, i just have to sense it myself...

B, i really hope you treasure me as ur sis...Thks...


Na

Seems so lost...?

Dunnoe y do i feel so lost...just so lost...

What am i exactly losing? Or am i really losing anything? Or was i too sensitive towards things around me? Perhaps i really am and that's y i'm becoming so despondent..So down...Wad exactly iszit, that kinda feel so strong that is able to devour the whole of my self.. Am i still that important and significant to her? I dunnoe...I do everything for her, over the extent of myself, and yet i continue doing it ..coz i do it w/o qualms for her...But sometimes im wondering is she hiding anything else ...Mayb a invisible expectation has set in..which i shld really should put it aside.. Is it so wrong to tell him that it is me who paid for your bills? Wad is dere to hide from him? IT made me feel that im someone in the closet.."A friend whr gt so gd help me pay bill?"...Aren't we aldy as close as sisters? Wad is dere to "ji jiao" den...

Sometimes i do wonder...if just one dae..im no longer around...wad would u feel...as a passing phase? i dunnoe.. I realli think alot..but wad to do? Im indeed a thinker...Afraid of ur this and that..afraid of you feeling unhappy, afraid of you getting lonely..afraid of u going hungry, afraid of u feeling bored and tons & tons of stuffs that you cld think of..& all that i need of i guess was just appreciation n concern frm u...Hmm, but i rarely felt it...tho i've never and learn not to expect anithing from it outta u.. How i wonder why does humans have so much thoughts in us...4ever thinking and tinking never ending...& wen everyone gets happily attached, im feeling the loneliness yet agn..yes, agn? yup..for years...this feeling has never gone away...When will my love come?

"Life is only that wonderful when you knows how to live it the way you want & not what others control it to be..In my life, i do alot of everything for others but never for myself..Am i really indeed happy..I'm still searching my self ...my true self who will depicts a different side of me..What am i exactly like? Loneliness are not just by words but actions as well..No one understands...tho i very much wish that she show her understanding and concern more to me tho i noe that's not in her character..So wad else could i expect..."

"The sea breeze will be the only thing 4ever accpying me thru this life w/o abandoning me... What i held on are just sea waters that will flow away fast one dae when the tide are high...I have an intriuging sharp pain that just slit thru in me..making it a scar 4ever in my life..." I've long regarded you as my godsis and i really hope to keep you as one..Sometimes i wonder how she realli felt.."sisters"? jus doesnt fit in place..A godsister i wld kip her as..for the 2 meaning are actually very different..if shes willing..i hope she does..i have been waiting dunnoe till when...it is so easy to take james as brro..iszit that diffcult for us?

Yes, so i'm waiting..for my godsister to be back and i believe that would be my greatest moment when that day comes if she commits..My little "wish" for the coming New Year.. When will it come true? thru the times that i noe her, the only thing that i really got from her personally was a ring bot by her on my bdae and nthg else..to remember her by...& i've never ask for much just her little happiness, her little smile and the ppl "Leoy" that wld bring a big smile on her...Wish for her to be happy happy..BB, be happy k?

Nana

Y am i feeling this way...?

Feeling the sense of loneliness suddenly..Y is this so?

Y am i feeling this way always nearing festive seasons and big occasions? Aren't i suppose to tok abt my KL trip? Mayb i shld touch on that topic 1st...

KL / Bentong Kampong Trip (The me & BB over at KL)

Wad should i say abt it ..?The fever dies off already? Actually not really yet..This entire trip to Bentong Kampong could be said as my happiest trip in this year...So long never go tour liao..This trip my Ah B ask me go with her, i really appreciate it alot..It make me realise so much more things of Malaysia, of my Ah B, of her home, her family, her relatives, her closeness with them, her friends, her driving skills and her knowledge of things...

I am indeed really so very the impressed with her...Her wad? her everthing..i think if i'm gona write it would be an essay men...Buy well, nvm, i have the time aniwae..

Fri nite me n Ah B set off and it was raining heavily..we rented a 1.6L Lancer and drove in ard 11+ till 3+ den we rch...B skill of driving and knoweldge on the road was amazing good and stable..I have nthg to comment on that men..A very stable and fast reflex driver..I love sitting in the car she drove men cz she drove fast car and i love fast cars...FOr a lasy who have this amzing factor to be able to make me sae "Gao Lat" must really be a fantastic person..Haha aiyo..i kip praising her, think her eyelid now sure jump till siao den she wil fly up the sky bang her head and fall dwn agn! whahha Really a KL driver..and i really seldom see gers like her who drove like nobody business..hahahaha and shes my BB somemore! So fortunate cn! whahaaha

Haha..wow...can u imagine the car could onli go to 170Km if not we would have hit even higher men.."i finally call her a fighter (Hua MuLan) upon goin up to Genting".. Hehe She mk me feel as tho we are playing Daytona wor...So exciting can..Damm Shiok..So u jus imagine lo..how fast n steady pong pi pi the car travelling w/o air-com up to genting ..haha ..I WOuld really love to go bck for another trip wf BB if chance & time allows men...I haven went for my Hot Spring & Water Fall yet wor..Think tis trip i really felt im bck to being a small ger so amazed and ezcited by evrything..BB fortunate to see all tis coz nt alot of ppl saw this side of me wor..for im always displaying those egoistic air ard me..whahahha

I thouroughly njoyed the whole entire trip..This trip mk both our heart so much lighter..coz we threw all troubles and worries behind in Singapore and njoyed ourself wildly over there..that was y i told ah B..."B, money never a probz, tho im nt a big banker, bt i can be a middle banker, substiantially enuff for you to njoy urself.." I just want u to njoy the trip and not think abt money matters and be happy k...Hehe :D And indeed we njoyed ourself tho time was barely enuff..Thruout, she intro so mani of her relatives to me, you can see on her face that she is just so happy, seeing her family, seeing her frens...everything just brighten her up, her whole face looks so radiant tho shes just so tired...Perhaps the only thing that i couldnt share the load wf her will be i cnt drive 1/2 for her w/o me havig a license..BB, dun owrry, i will quickly go pass so nx tm i cn share the load wf u le k?BUt malaysia road i nt "shou" wor..wahahha

This is the face that i wana see in u B...U noe tt? tis is the happiness that im deriving at..that i hope you will find..4ever happiness..How happy u was wen we are back in ur kampong..Ur smile brightens everything...tho i cldnt really understand Canto bt seeing u so happily indulging in it mks me happy tooo...Rem my verse? U nid not own sme1 but see that person being happy is the best that could be derived within you...You aldy displayed those small little ger of happiness on ur face and it is jus so "an wei" to see you tis wae...I wish you will ever ramian tt wae..4ever tt happy...

Wen i see the happiness light up on ur face..I felt happy for you...this is really u...my Ah lan lan BB..the cheeky, smirkish, kid side of ah lan...the 4ever small small ah lan...you are the one "A Gao lat fighter" Definately a gd fighter...Love Ya to the max!!! Wahahahaha :D My best BB men...everything gd and power u have it! :p So happy can me being dere..her being dere..cum back stil so happy ! alot of things to write tt i dunnoe whr to write...impossibe to write everything down but alot of little little things we noe it in us..the happiness is just different being in Spore...Really different...Even i write oso so happy le..hee Can u sense the happiness in me too? The other side of me..the curious side of me..the kidish side of me..Hehehe :p

IT is really a nice and fufilling trip all in all...Will njoy it even if we have mre time ya...Haiz..aniwae..BB, i promise u n i promise to do it..the nx big trip will be to "Japan" k? Small trip same la go KL or wherever nearer, den i be medium banker..Hahahha, Big trip mz wait till our probation over den we go k? *Twist fingers le hor* We sure able to go one...*Twist* N n n &&& i will mk sure i go learn Canto le this tm round arbo so lugi dun understand at all..Diao~ Hahaha

Thoughts of the loneliness sets in...(Another side of me back in Sg)

Sometimes every now and den esp now wen the feeling gets stronger...i dunnoe hw to explain..i felt a sense of loneliness..Wld anibody be able to understand?Would anibody noe hw i felt?Even if BB noes how i felt and and think i guess she wnt be able to do much..hai...y am i feeling so lost everytime, every yr during festive seasons and occasions, i jus have to feel tis wae..Is it really due to bcoz ive always helped ppl get together, helping ppl share their load of probz..feeling happy for dem...but am really afraid to think for myself..coz wenever i think of myself, it wld onli be a pathetic lot...I've closed my barriers for so long...so long..dun think it be opened tt soon...coz i dinoe wad to expect for myself animre..as long closed ones ard me are happy...i guess i be happy...My sis...are happy, dey find happiness esp BB...i will be happy n glad..was it really the case..i guess it had to be..

I guess life is such ba...You just want the best for your loved ones and im just this kind of person..U be guai k b? Ani big or small probz , anithing that you need me, always rem..jus drop me amsg, give me a call and i will always be dere for you....no matter how far, how hard, i do my vr best to and ensure you, you nv be left alone even if the whole world throws u away coz i'll be dere...That's me, my assurance towards u as ur BB, u never be left alone k? *Sayang sayang ..pat pat ur head*

Well..well...There is always time like this that i will face this...so it shld be kinda common le..so i shalldnt think abt it animre men..concentrate mre on making money coz onli single life will enable me to do that..Whahaha so wad am i waiting for? Re-organise mt thoughts..get my butts going and start focusing !!!

BBBBBBBBBBbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbBBBBBBBBBBbb, i still love and njoyed the Daytona in Genting!! I'm still thinking of it men..Hehe..:) Wen shall we go agn??? I think the onli time that we are both most relaxed will be dere...totally not thinking abt anithing else...We have to go bck dere agn k?Cos i haven "fan ben" at casino yet!! Hehehe BAck to work le now..Haiz...Sianz..everything troubling me came back..everytime u see me like maciam no worries but actually my mind is on alot of things just that i dun show it out..Do u noe it?Haiz..Perhaps u dun ba...Bt i am ...at times ..just so at times....


"B, alot of things in life is as such..we cnt control alot of things but we can control our own life, our own fate, our own happiness, it all lies within our grasp just a matter of how we go abt doing it ...in wad wae we choose to face our life with..No matter hard, we noe tis is the path we have chosen, we will stick by it..That's just humans..Ovr there at ya kampong, that is the happiness that i wana see in you...the small little happiness displayed on ya face..The wae you exclaimed at things..the wae you smile and laugh..evry single motion are all happiness derived within you..Only wen you found those feel in you den you will really find the happiness that you hanker and waited for so long...It all derives within you urself..Only when you have attained that, den you will realise and feel it in you wad is real happiness all abt..All within ur own grasp ur own power...Coz u are a real life "Gao LAt Fighter" always remember that...."


"Only by den will u learn and know what's real life happiness all abt that derived within yourself..."


Nana BB

I'm disappointed...

So disappointing...

Disappointed...disappointed that my b actually said "i dun understand her at all" ..At that spilt moment of time, i felt utterly disappointed...upset that she is wad she said to me...

You said you are strong...You wnt be beaten easily...Ask and search urself...are u really that strong? You always present a strong front to ppl..but are u really that strong...I doubt so...Face urself..face ur heart..you are not that strong afterall..

I dunnoe...U touched urself..did i really not understand u...?Perhaps if this is wad u sae...Seeing you faced with tons of problems, it broke my heart too..i wish i have all the ability to help you with anithing that you need...I hope to give you a leaning support too..I guess that's the only little thing that i could give u...

I really hope i could share your everthing and your burden with you..I dun want to see you so upset so unhappy..it really hurts me too..I cnt bear to see you this wae..Brace up up b..dun fall...even if dunid any suppport, i will still 4ever be there supporting you always..I promise and assure you i will never leave..never...trust me k? As long u need me, i be dere...

B, i hate to see u this wae..it really hurts me...i really wish i could help u in all ways...Dun doubt ok..

I dunnoe wad to sae to u...deres alot of things i wanna tell u...thoughts...alot...be strong...U can do it..


When things going downhill & everything coming at one shot, itz common to have a breakdown...You have to brace up and walk thru this tedious long route..& i be there to walk thru every single step with you...

Hugs

BB