Feeling so farni in me all of a sudden....:(

Haiz..what am i feeling...I dun even know it myself...


What am i feeling...so farni that i would have this kinda feel in me...me and my very gd fren...yes...we do everthing togethre, share everthing together tho we just know one another for barely just months..But it seems likes ages that we have already known one another..I confide almost all things to her..People has been telling me sometimes getting too fast in a friendship is not very good too...But perhaps i stay by my own belief still and always...

My colleagues all told me it is ok if you like the same stuffs...But if you like the saem guy one day...what would happen...Be it my character and with my low self-esteem, i guess i will withdraw and give up..i will...more to the fact if that person is really close to me..my close fren? Yes..i guess i regarded as 1...i teng her..care for her..totally disregarding the fact even if she is loud n harsh and moreso in-sensitive...I have long regarded her like my sis..caring and seeing her find happiness perhaps is the best that i could do..that's i would choose to withdraw without even having to be be given a choice..

I did ask her just a few daes ago...If we ahppen to like the same person, wad would she do...She sae is actually ok..It depends on who that person likes...Very much agreed...Yet, my ans to her was "I would choose to withdraw away from it" . Y..?Perhaps i had too low self-esteem ba...I lost out in alot of areas to her..Shes prettier..slimmer..taller..fairer..sociable..friendly and yadah...yadah..I oso dunnoe wad else to sae...

Am i still facing a identity crisis? I think she has more confidence..know what she wants and am sure she could get it..But im just someone who lacks confidence and has low self-esteem in comparative with her..Is this really the point?really the case?

Or am i just being jealous that she is getting all the attention? that ppl are showing interest in her and not me? Perhaps if i think abt it in a better way, i will feel better..Do i like her? thats y i would feel left out? Coz i noe if once she had a new target..Perhaps we wouldnt be that close animre...the chance is very high this wae tho..Perhaps i still couldnt get rid of this fetish of being once a 'crooked'...it still runs in my blood...Silly ger, withdrawn need not be spoken, if you are happy just go ahead and do it..I be quietly supporting u...


"When feelings comes, it need not matter what kind it will be...it'll just comes like the swift of the wind..."

Love,

Nana, B

Identity Crisis....

Am i facing a identity crisis....?


i am wondering and pondering this kinda daes ...am i facing a identity crisis? I dunnoe...Something just doesn't seem right but i can't put to my mind to what is exactly wrong..It has been so long since i last saw Xt...Ya, tho no doubt, i never really mentioned her anymore, but i know she still lives in my heart..I thought at least i could just put her aside when i am totally occupied in my stuffs...till that very dae, my dad actually asked abt Xt. "Aye, where is my god daughter whom he so affectionately called coz my parents like her so much"...I started to have flash back images again of her and me back then..those happy moments could only be displayed in my mind...I could only cooked up excuses saying that she was busy with her game of competition..What else could i really say?


Lenard, another one who make me feel so confused at times, or rather i shouldn't say confused...I shall say he made me felt so touched but i noe there is just something in me that disallow myself to go along with it..Be it age, and other factors, i am seriously thinking was it just bcoz i am not totally cleared away of my status as a crooked....Perhaps it was...caouse Xt had never left me in my heart...I had never really mentioned her eversince we broke up but still occasionally here and there i will be reminded of her and our happy moments...Was it this hanging emotions that disallow so many things from happening...Perhaps it was...I dunnoe how long this emotions gona last...but i noe it be for quite a certain period of time before i will be totally sure of what i want and what i am looking and seeking for in life...Is Xt still really the one i wana back to my life...or do i just want to start afresh and try looking at things in a different light be it of Lenard or any one else...Or further worse, those care actions and affected emotions displayed to Jv was it also a sign that of a re-bounced? I seriously didn't know...Who could i consult..Who could i ask? What am i? Who am i now? What do i really want? I felt so lost suddenly especially this few daes...feel so emotionally upset and affected but what brings about it?


I saw her blog and realise she still had me in her mind, in her heart..she still want me back in her life...but both of us knowing the fact that things will still remain the same, probz will still exist no matter what.Don't we seem like 2 fateful but separated birds as destiny jsut doesn't allow it, doesn't allow us to be just together living it out happily...


Life is just so short...How much exactly can we waste...Y can't we live it happily...If i didn't see her blog perhaps i will not feel upset..y say you are waiting for Lynn...Sometimes i wondered have you actually fallen for her already without even knowing it tho i am still in your heart...i dunnoe how i should feel towards you..I wish very much too i could be in your hugs one fine day again...but itzit possible with all those problems taken away? Am i narcissitic..Perhaps i am bcoz of my commitments...We both have very individual commitments that neither of us are willing or can give it up...That is the fatal root probz of our life..We can't commit much to one another bcoz of this and this probz will definately still occur...Is it true? Am i right?

Dear, i miss you...in my heart yes...i no longer displayed my longing for you on my face anymore...I couldn't bear to look or think about you...It only reminds me of our happy past...The 1st ever 1 yr relationship that i gave so much towards..Perhaps, it is hard to fill up with others anoymore...But i din realise that..at least i noe you are the only one who was able to make such a huge change in me...from a butch to a active and to a so called femme when ii'm with you...With that, i appreciate and thank you...Miss ya always in a place in my heart..


" If ever one dae there is a person to replace me in you heart, i will be happy for you.. for your life but upset as i noe by then, you would have really move on without me in your life...If that person was Lynn...perhaps i'll be even upset but i noe right to the end, it is still your choice and freedom of right to decide who and what you want..In a corner of a place here...I wish you eternal happiness always...


Your Love Always,

Roujun...

Sometimes i wonder what am i feeling in me...

What exactly happen to myself...in my life...


All of a sudden on this late nite...I seem to have alot of late thoughts flooding into my mind...Where should i exactly start from ...Work? Maybe...

Work

Farni...what is it abt work that is bothering me? Idun seem to understand...but one thing i noe of is i'm not happy working here in this current job...Am i really just pessimistic towards my job or am i just picky abt it. Should i just be glad that at least i had a job...Why do i always seem to have so much questions on my mind...I did try answering myself but to no avail...My aunt recommended me this job as a procurement exe. I really have to thank them but still i know in me, i have no other alternative thats y i need to accept this job to survive... I have too many commitments ans stuffs to contribute that i know i need cash all the time...I wish to find a job that i like too.. But seriously, it is really never easy...with me out of navy, with no experience outside, with my qualifications like nuts..I am nothing..

I felt so stuck here...I have all the heart to move on for a better future..greener pastures yet i could not move just bcoz i do not have the financial ability to do what i want to do..To be a instructor? I need to take course and all these need money...i doesn't have it... i dun have the ability to do anithing...No matter how much i wan venture out, i couldn't...i am stuck here...dunnoe for how long...How to be opptismistic abt it when i dun see any future of road ahead of me...i need money...dun i...yes i do...

Put all that aside for i noe, i can t do anithing abt it unless i have a big sum of money now...i be able to really get down to do what i want..

Singing Life..

Sometimes i wonder how this road will turn out to be for me...i dare not think...coz for my age, perhaps it is already too late..but still i held on...for the fact this is my dream and i hope to fufill it no matter how little wae it cold be..I wanna try...i knew a guy from my Gao Fei class...he is 18 years older den me...Im into the stage which i din even noe wad am i now..what has bcum of me...wd is exactly my status and identity now...i felt as if i am having a indentity crisis...wad am i thinking...I am indeed touched by what this guy has done...and tho i really prefer more mature man...but he seem way too old...hmmm...i just felt that something was missing...but i dunnoe wad was it...it might just be my identity has not really been cleared up yet...i din even noe wad am i now..and at this studio i happen to noe ager 1 yr younger den me...a person whom i wana noe very long ago...coz i always to her as my idol in singing...Never imagine that there will be this dae that i will get to noe her and to think that we could just hit it off so well....i dun deny i am really very good to her...to the fact that i really treated her like princess and pamper her quite alot...Dunnoe y...she just gave me this feeling that i have to care for her...It a miracle...the feeling kinda same like ching...haiz...jsut hope she appreciate everything that i've doone for her coz i have already taken her like my younger sis...and teng her alot...

Hmm...dunnoe wad im saying la...just wish that she will grow up to be a good and forever a special in my heart which onli i myself noe of..."Jv, no matter wad u do, i be forever at a side protecting you silently...always in my life..."


Xt

Yes, i heard abt her this kinda daes...saw her msn and seem she has been missing me...me too but ...somehow i noe even if theres a possibility one dae that we cld get back together, probz that has already exist will still re-surfaces yet agn...and for this, i dun think i will want it to be this wae ...THo i very much wish that i could be in her arms...i noe my commitments can never allow me to do that...i could only wish all the best for her happiness...For all my changes in my llife towards my commitments, i am still the same old me...


"Love acts no wonder...trust me fully...i beseech you coz i hope we could share weal and woe together one fine dae dwn the road...U will always be the princess k, my dear sis..."

Lots of Unclear Thoughts...

It has been a good weekend thru-out...till i've just seen...


Sometimes i keep wondering to myself wad is exactly happening in my life..Do i still miss her?Yes, i do...at times when i think back of the times that we had spent together..I think i can never be suitable to be in a r/s coz i no longer know how to please the kind that she wants. While msn that dae, we spoke, but the conversation ended quite fast..Was it my fault agn...She wanted someone to share her happiness and woe..don't i want to?Y do i always feel that only she can voice out and not me..And when i did, it will be as if it isn't a good thing...i dun even know what myself an saying now..What irony..

I dun think i know what i could to satisfy what a r/s needed...Perhaps i shld just turn str8 or remain just single..wouldn't that be the best...Perhaps it does..

IF i dun think back, everything would seem just normal coz i would just concentrate entirely on the path that i am working on now..But the moment i think back, everything came flooding back..If one dae we really got back together , would things still be the saem, i guess it will...Coz my commitments now to my path is even in depth..I think unless my partner thinks the same wae as i does if not dey will never be able to understand the path i am going thru..Isn't it so...?

I do have to admit i changed alot in my appearancem outlook, behaviours...Perhaps i might no longer be the one you knew bcoz of the commitment and path that i am taking now..You wanted someone to share your happiness and woe with you ...me 2...but why is it always that you think that it is my self-esteem that is getting in the way...

From the day that i decided to take this path in this industry,i knew there will be alot of changes i had to make to myself but i am still me...that is all i can sae...


With this i end the blog today...am tired...


"Downright to the fact..Love just ain't easy.. wasn't it so...So irony..so hard to guess it thru..Wad cld i do b4 it seems right?Perhaps i hld stop trying for it only be worse..Lead my life and the path that i have chosen..."